I’m sorry I have to be the one to tell you this, but the truth is that everyone hates you. I really didn’t want it to be this way, but you’ve given me no choice. Your friends have been bottling it up inside for a while. Your grandma is starting to think you’re an annoying bitch. Your fourth grade teacher regrets giving you the “student of the month” award back in the day. And it’s all thanks to your status updates, your 140 character tweets, and your annoying as hell posts.
That’s right. You’re fucking annoying, and you are really, really doing the whole social media thing wrong.
You Have An Album Of Selfies
Posting an occasional selfie is one thing. I mean, sure, you just got a haircut or your cleavage is on point–whatever. We’re all just vain humans. But if you have an album dedicated to pictures of yourself and this album happens to include selfies, pictures of you on a train track, or mirror pictures of your “outfit of the day,” then we have a problem. I don’t care how pretty you or your filter apps think you are, because no one–and I mean NO ONE–wants to look at your fake smile all the time. Even on Instagram. Even if you’re in a bikini. Especially if you’re in a bikini. Seriously, your mom agrees with me. Cover up.
You Invite People To Play Games
The only thing I’m going to bury in my FarmVille farm is the friendship you destroyed from all of these game invitations. Go get a better hobby, like knitting or day drinking.
You Are Really Into Inspirational Posts
A heartwarming song lyric or a sassy Marilyn quote every now and again is understandable, because, yes, if he can’t handle you at your worst, then he doesn’t deserve you at your best. And yes, Adele (and her lyrics) are a necessary part of every breakup. But if you feel the need to post a “this is how to live your life and be happy” quote or an “I did something wonderful and selfless” story every day, I can assure you that you’re only inspiring people to do one thing: delete you.
You #Hashtag Everything
#You’re #Fucking #Annoying #Just #Fucking #Stop #Now
You Write Love Novels About Your Significant Other
Yes, you’re #blessed and everyone else is #blessed for knowing how #blessed you are. Cool. Honest moment? Everyone is just hoping you break up. All of your “candid” pictures? All of your paragraphs about how he’s your soulmate, best friend, and partner in crime? All of the #MCMs? It just shows that you have something to prove, as opposed to being truly happy. Put down your phone for a second so you can actually see what your boyfriend’s face looks like, sans filter.
You Use Horrible Grammar
If you don’t know if it’s “know” or “no” and you can’t decide if they want to go there with their “new” or “knew” car, then you need to log out of Facebook and sign up for an English class. Not only do you look illiterate, but bad spellers are bad in bed. That’s just science.
You Instagram Pictures Of Your Food
Yes, you did a super job ordering a waffle with fruit and whipped cream on top of it, and yes, it looks yummy. Congrats. Unless that waffle will somehow jump out of the screen and into my mouth, you’re really just an asshole for dangling your food porn in front of my unsuspecting face.
You Tell Us Every Single Thing That Happens During The Day
Thank you for letting me know you woke up at 8 a.m., ran three miles at the gym, had a turkey sandwich for lunch, took (and aced) a college algebra quiz, ate dinner with your bestie, and then had a Netflix marathon while eating double chocolate chunk ice cream. Really. It’s riveting. Unfortunately, no one gives a shit. Unless your day included hooking up with Ryan Gosling and you secured pictures of him in all of his manly glory, save the life updates for your gyno. Oh, but you should definitely tell her about Ryan, too. I feel like he gets around.
So friends, I hope we can now grow together and make the world a more beautiful, less annoying place..