The female human is a
psychotic delicate creature. Our fragile nature is known to escalate during a certain “time of the month.” Yes, I said it. Though we usually don’t admit it–and you better not ever call us out on it–we tend to get a bit testy during our periods. The menstrual cycle is truly the only thing that can take a perfectly nice, calm, rational girl and bring out the nonsensical, hypersensitive, raging monster that dwells within once every 28 days. There is no stopping this. There is no preventing it. There is definitely nothing to save those around us from feeling our wrath. If you’re on your period right now, or PMSing, or you just know a woman in general, you can relate to the following hormonal reactions to what would otherwise be everyday occurrences.
When You Are Hungry
Normally, a person gets hungry about three times a day. Maybe you have a little snack here and there. When you’re on your period, food better look the fuck out. You’re like a bloodhound with a keen sense of smell for ice cream, chocolate, cookie dough, cheese, and grease. Whether it’s those cramps tricking you into thinking you’re hungry or those demon hormones giving you cravings for the most fattening foods, you WILL eat, and you will eat a lot.
When You Get Assigned A Group Project
Okay, so you hate these anyway, but now that you’re hormonal, it’s a whole new kind of annoying. Professors always choose THE WORST times to have a group project, and you end up working with THE WORST people in your class. No one ever wants to meet up when you’re free. No one wants to listen to you, even though your idea is obviously better. After having an emotional breakdown during your professor’s office hours, the groups will get mysteriously reassigned during your next class.
When You Go On A Date With Your Boyfriend
You are usually excited for date night, getting doors held for you, being wined and dined, and yadda, yadda, yadda. But now that you’re hormonal, your boyfriend has become immensely more irritating. He’s checking out the waitress’s ass. He’s wearing that hideous shirt his ex-girlfriend’s mom got him for Christmas. He just so happens to get a Snapchat of some duck-faced whore–so what if it was his sister? He shouldn’t get snaps from any girls ever. Eventually, you’ll inform him that he’s NOT getting any tonight, and it’s NOT because you’re on your period.
When Your Formal Dress Comes In The Mail
Receiving this package, or anything from last month’s online shopping bender, can turn the worst day into a glorious one–except today. First, you break a nail trying to open the damn thing. Then, it turns out to be a completely different color. Finally, you try it on anyway, and it won’t zip. After desperately searching for someone to help you, you give up, storm back to your laptop, and write the most hateful five paragraph online review the Internet has ever seen.
When You Go Shopping With A Friend
Retail therapy is the best kind of therapy. There’s no better way to cheer you up, right? Wrong, so wrong. Your stomach and back hurt, you look fat in everything you try on, and you literally might kill the lady in the dressing room talking to you like she knows your life. All of this, of course, happens while your BFF looks like a model in everything she puts on. While you stand there in your dressing room stall in your frumpy, stained, period underwear, judging every curve on your body, a tear or two may just start to roll down your face.
When You Go To The Library
Studying is a necessary evil, but it comes with good payoff. Typically you go at preplanned time in the day, sit at your usual table, and try to read while scrolling through Facebook updates. When you’re on your period, just forget even trying. Literally every table is taken by some pledges from the fraternity you hate, the Internet will inevitably go down, and you’ll end up furiously walking back to your room to pour a large glass of wine.
When You Watch TV
It’s getting late and everyone in the house is winding down for the night. Someone just made some popcorn and you all decide to watch a Disney movie together. The opening credits begin playing. The song is so familiar. An emotional whirlwind begins to blow through you. Childhood memories begin to flash back. You start to miss home. It hasn’t even gotten to the part where the parents die yet, and you’re already tearing up. After grabbing a box of tissues from your room, someone asks you if everything is okay, and you reply with a much louder than expected, “It’s just so sad!”
When Mom Calls
Everyone loves calls from Mom. She’s the soundboard to all your gossip, confessions, and complaints. However, being that you were too busy getting a venti double chocolate chip Frappuccino earlier when she called, she is now on a warpath to make you feel guilty in the most passively aggressive way possible. You literally cannot deal with her angsty mother ways, so you tell her you have an exam tomorrow, to make sure she put extra money in your account for “food,” and then continue to sob while binge-watching military reunion videos on YouTube.
When You Get Ready In The Morning
On a typical morning, you would wake up, spend way too much time in front of the mirror, grab a quick breakfast at the dining hall, and head off to class. This all depends on whether you could or couldn’t sleep because the period monster may or may not have been stabbing you repeatedly in the ovaries for the entire night. Somehow, you manage to get out of bed. There’s no time to shower, so you toss your hair into a messy bun, throw on some leggings and a dirty Bid Day shirt from the floor, and try to apply some sort of makeup to your puffy, sleepy face. Then you notice it–a pimple. It’s one of those huge, red monstrosities that everyone will stare at. That’s it, you can’t go to class. You write an email to your professors saying you had a “medical emergency,” take some Midol, and go back to bed.