Your New Year’s Resolutions, Corrected


New Year’s Eve means two things: heavy drinking and pretending to become a better person. Every year, there are millions of little white lies told to friends, family, and if you’re a terrible person, every person on social media. New Year’s resolutions are great because they give you a chance to start over, but in actuality, it’s just a chance to boast about yourself until you go back to your terrible life choices.

Resolutions can be beneficial when done correctly. The trick is to be realistic in your goal and find a way to appear to accomplish more than you have actually accomplished. If you are able to take your resolution and turn it into something feasible that people haven’t heard a thousand times over, then you are doing it right; nobody likes a try-hard. The thing to remember is that we’re all human. We’re crazy, imperfect, and not going to change overnight. Here are some tips on correctly creating a New Years resolutions.

“I’m going to get skinny.”
This resolution is the most common and can come in many forms. It can be to eat less, eat healthier, or to work out more frequently, but realistically, you’re going to end up taking up valuable elliptical space in January, then hitting a box of chocolates come Valentine’s Day. These girls begin to sound reminiscent of Regina George’s “I want to lose three pounds,” and nobody wants to hear about it. The sensible approach to this resolution is to stop talking about it, start breaking a sweat, and my personal recommendation, drink Diet Coke.

“I’m going to be more productive.”
While this resolution sounds realistic and practical, you’re fooling yourself if you think you’re not going to procrastinate everything in your life until the last week of the semester at which time you proceed to live on a strict diet of addy and Starbucks until you’ve crossed out everything on your mile-long to-do list. My suggestion is to merely appear to be productive. It’s much easier. Do this by filling out a planner meticulously, always have an event to attend that doesn’t require actual work, and push off all tasks onto someone younger and more gullible. You’ll have much more free time to do nothing but present yourself as a contributing part of college society.

“I’m going to find true love.”
If you have to plan out your love life, you officially no longer have one. I hear resolutions like this year after year and it results in nothing more than dating bros in flat brim hats while your friends judge your pathetic attempt to find “the one.” A realistic approach to this is to stop being so uptight. Take advantage of being young and hot. If you’re spending the majority of your free time looking for Mr. Right, then you’re going to miss out on all the drunken mistakes, hookup stories, and questionable behavior that you get to enjoy in college before going into the real world. Although, realistically, you can still act this way in the real world. You just can’t use the excuse “I’m in college” any longer. So delete that profile and download Tinder. You’ll have a hell of a better time and way better stories to share about Mr. Right Now.

“I’m going to drink less alcohol.”
Let me start by stating that I’m sure drinking less alcohol is great for your health and has some amazing benefits, but nobody likes a quitter and putting your health before having a good time is not what college is about. My normal response to this resolution is, “Nice knowing you” and I’m not even ashamed to admit it. People who believe that they have to give up every guilty pleasure to be a good person have no concept of being young. Moderation is the key in this one. That could mean cutting back on few long island iced teas or not stop taking “all you can drink” literally. These are good starts. Realistically, don’t forget to have fun and put your liver to work. Rallying is in our nature and your hangover is going to be much less painful now than it will in 10 years, so take advantage of it while you can.

“I’m going to save money.”
Frugality has never been one of my strong suits, and I commend those who have the ability to spend less and save more. However, girls in their late teens and early twenties are not these people. I challenge any girl between the ages of 18 and 23 whose New Year’s resolution is to save money: come to Target with me on January 2nd, and we’ll see how much you can save. Nothing takes a girl off task like the impulse buys at the checkout lane or a Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual sale. It’s in our nature to want to buy things we don’t need and that’s completely understandable. To combat this, have a resolution to save X amount per week or only go to Starbucks on Fridays. You’ll do your checking account some good and you won’t go into spending withdrawal like an episode of True Life: I Have A Shopping Addiction.


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Babe Lincoln

Babe Lincoln (@Babe__Lincoln) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and spends the majority of her time knocking back Franzia and introducing herself as "the female Johnny Manziel."

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