Your Horoscope For The Fall Semester

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Summer is over and now you have to go back to your “real” lives, but there’s more to being ready for fall than just switching from rosé to red wine. We figured we should look to the stars for help–and no, we don’t mean asking Selena Gomez for advice, because that would be just plain dumb. We mean horoscopes! Read on to see what’s in store for you this semester. Here’s a hint: at least a drink or two.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your motto this fall should be “carpe vino,” or “seize the wine.” Say yes to everything: party invitations, impromptu road trips, even trying orange lipstick. You never know where things will lead, so keep an open mind, a good attitude, and always carry around an extra pair of underwear. Also, while you’re busy saying yes to everything (and everyone) make sure to say yes to a condom, too. There’s nothing cute about a pregnancy scare.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’re looking at fall through rose-colored glasses (and those frames are SUPER cute on you). These days, you’re able to find the silver lining in every situation. Got stuck with morning classes? Great, you can start day drinking even earlier. Had a not so flattering haircut? You can get more into hats. The guy you’re hooking up with starts sporting a goatee? Embrace reverse cowgirl so you don’t have to look at it during sex!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
The sky is the limit, Scorpios. But while you’re flying high and achieving your dreams, make sure to stay connected to the ones who have been there for you along the way. No, we don’t mean skim lattes and your parents’ credit card number. Focus on your friends. The girls who popped open the boxed wine to help you get through the failures are the first ones who want to pop open the bottles of Champagne to celebrate your success. Even if it’s just sending some extra texts, make the effort. A few manicure emojis go a long way.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
If you’ve felt stuck in a rut recently, maybe this fall is the time to make some big changes. Yes, that’s right. This fall you should get…BANGS! Seriously, you’ve wanted them for so long, and they would look absolutely perfect with that new tweed riding jacket you picked up at the J.Crew outlet this summer. Go for it, and remember, if they look tragic, hair grows!

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. While this is not true for shots (ahem, two-day tequila hangover) it is true for pretty much everything else. Don’t be worried that your challenging class or you tough breakup will be the end of you. You’ll come out on the other side of these things even better than before. And “better” can mean anything from a higher GPA to no longer having to tolerate a guy who wears a puka shell necklace.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Oh. My. God. Whatever you do, Aquarius, do NOT get back with your ex. He’s a nightmare, and seriously, everyone hates him. Just try to find even one text from a friend about him that doesn’t include the knife emoji. Your friends want what’s best for you, and that does not include drunken booty calls that have you schlepping across campus for some mediocre sex on a sweaty futon. Remember: he’s not going to call you when he’s sober, so don’t call him when you’re drunk.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You had an epic summer, so now that it’s over and your tan is beginning to fade, you may start to feel a little less Lo-Fi and a little more Toaster. Combat your dip in spirits by pouring some actual spirits into your Diet Coke, and then have your designated driver drop you at the mall. A new outfit is exactly what you need to help cheer you up. Besides, you’ll look even better in those jeans with a little buzz.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Someone has his eye on you, but it’s not who you think it is…or who you want it to be. Yeah, it’s that other one. Maybe he’s not who you would have thought of first, but this fall, he has a new attitude, a new roommate, and a new set of abs. (Seriously, where did those come from?) Don’t rush into things, but let him take you out and just let the pieces of pizza–and your heart–fall where they may.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You need to slow down. It’s barely 10 a.m., and you’ve already polished off two pitchers of mimosas? Grab yourself a bagel, sit down, and think about how you want to start of this semester. If vomiting off the porch in front of the lacrosse team isn’t currently listed on your fall schedule, take a breather from the a.m. alcohol and get it together.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Once you get back on campus, you will need to make some big decisions–and make sure you trust your gut this time, Gemini. That’s not last night’s pizza binge churning in your stomach. That’s your conscience. You know what’s best for you, so don’t let anyone else try to sway your thinking. Remember, just because your roommate can survive on a steady stream of Red Bull and no sleep, it doesn’t mean the same is true for you.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The temperature outside may be starting to fall, but you’re a star on the rise. Look around: all of your friends are clearly jealous of you. And why wouldn’t they be? You look awesome, feel great, and have figured out how to ward off any and all hangovers with a secret Gatorade-Tylenol cocktail (patent pending). Oh, sure, they may be nice to your face, but that’s just because they’re tired of seeing you make it look so easy. Bottom line? Let the haters hate.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This fall, Leo ladies should channel their inner lion: be aggressive, eat more red meat, and volumize that hair. Oh, and a few plays of Katy Perry’s “Roar” before an epic night out won’t hurt. Go out and get what you want, whatever that may be (unless it’s overalls, because no matter what the magazines say, they just aren’t cute). Adopt a in-charge attitude and before you know it, you won’t just be the one taking shots–you’ll be calling them, too.

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Alyssa and Alison

Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby are stand-up comics and writers. Follow them at AlyssaWolff and AlisonLeiby.

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