Every year, homecoming happens, whether or not you remember it. Like formal, you know you had a fabulous time, but the details are hazy, and incredibly inconclusive. It’s the best day of the year, because it’s perfectly acceptable to blackout before noon, celebrate with your sisters, and look at adorable boys in bow ties. Also, I hear there are sports, which is always a good excuse for day drinking, because no matter what time it is, it’s time to drink. Even if your football team is the worst, or if you’re too blackout to catch the game, it doesn’t matter, as long as you catch one of your sisters being crowned Homecoming Queen. In case you’re confused about what to expect, or what really went down, here’s a more than likely explanation of your homecoming.
9:00am – Wake up excited beyond belief, like it’s your birthday. It might as well be a national holiday, because it’s the best day of the year. Stress out about which pregame to attend, even though you’ll be with your sisters no matter what. Regret drinking last night, and take a quick cat nap.
10:00am – Text everyone you’ve ever met to figure out where you’ll be drinking your breakfast.
11:00am – Head to the pregame, commonly referred to as “brunch,” since that makes it acceptable to drink heavily before noon.
12:00pm – Scope out the situation to make sure no one else is wearing your dress, because would be like overlapping gowns on prom night, and nobody wants that. Have your friends reassure you that you look prettier when you find someone from a rival house in the exact same Lilly.
12:30pm – Start guzzling a bottle of champagne that one of the boys handed to you, even though you’ve already got one. Double fist, alternating drinking out of both bottles to make ensure no one will take one away. While you prefer Veuve, Andre will have to do the trick. You wonder if you should throw some OJ in, but decide to pass.
1:00pm – Run into an ex-not-boyfriend, who attempts to introduce you to his parents in a strange turn of events. Make a quick escape. Have a casual conversation with your adult advisor, while holding both bottles of champagne behind your back. Convince only yourself that you’re fooling everybody.
2:00pm – Dive into the barbecue, even though you told yourself you wouldn’t, because the boys are working so hard, and BBQing makes even the teeniest boys look manly. Let no one but your sisters see you. Remind yourself that the calories won’t count if you can’t remember them. Drink to that.
3:00pm – Realize that the game already started, which means that it’s time for shots.
3:15pm – Attempt to rally your family, even though your big is MOing her not-boyfriend, your little is shotgunning a beer with her parents, and your grandlittle is doing a keg stand in her dress. Force them to stack with you. Take a million pictures, look blackout in all but one, which you determine will be acceptable after you add the perfect filter.
3:30pm – Discuss your fraternity pairing. If unacceptable, suggest to your social chair improve her bj skills.
3:45pm – Watch as a girl pees herself in front of her parents and every fraternity boy on campus. Realize that no matter how wild you get, you’re already a step ahead, because you’re covered in champagne, not urine.
4:00pm – Walk inside to see one of your sisters crowned Queen, as it should be.
5:00pm – Unclear.
10:00pm – Your hangover sets in, despite a valiant attempt to rally, and it’s time for a serious nap. Know that as long as you spent the day looking perfect while day drinking with your sisters, nothing else matters — not the couple of undocumented hours, not your debilitating hangover, and not the football loss. After all, homecoming is about boozing with boys in bow ties in your favorite gameday sundress. As long as you accomplished that, you’re basically the Hoco Queen.