Your Grandma Might Be Part Of A New Breed Of “Super Cougar” That Makes Your Sex Life Look Super Tame

Super Cougar

Sex is pretty cool. It feels good, it’s usually fun, and most of the time someone buys you Taco Bell afterward. It’s a win-win…win, and we love it. We love it so much that we spend our entire college lives chasing it. We read anything that has to do with it. And as for movies? We are first in line for every single raunchy sex film.

What can we say? We’re a bunch of horny assholes.

The only time we don’t like thinking about the birds and the bees fucking (that’s the saying, right?) is when it’s related to family. Siblings? Pretty sure they’re all virgins. Parents? STFU and literally stop talking. Grandparents? They don’t do that anymore, right?

LOL wrong.

According to the Daily Mirror there’s a new breed of MILFs on the loose, and, plot twist, they are our grandmothers.

Apparently, they’re called “super cougars” and they’re a strange mix of sexual desire, zero fucks, and dentures. Maybe it’s because they’re dying, or because they can take their teeth out, hence making blow jays easier. Whatever it is, these golden girls are apparently rockstars in the sack, and are literally stealing our potential mates.

Take Shirley Andrews, for instance. She’s 80 years old, loves to knit gifts for her family, and regularly has sex with guys who are 18 years old. But that’s not all. Apparently she has boned over 1,000 men and makes porn with her 31-year-old lover, among others. Her record is 14 others, actually.

Yeah, she’s fucking a 31-year-old and having orgies with men young enough to be her grandchildren. And you thought the time you accidentally made out with a freshmen was risqué? LOL okay.

The best part? She doesn’t want to settle down. As of right now, she has five guys under 30 in her sex-cycle. She went on to say that,

I have had numerous proposals in the last five years. But none of them were with anyone I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I would say I’ve slept with around a thousand men but I think it would probably be a little bit more than that. I’ve been around the block. I don’t consider myself a nymphomaniac by any means but I’m probably close to it.

“The rest of her life?” She’s 80. She’s crawling toward the finish line. The rest of her life is like, less commitment than buying a plant. I mean, sure, it’s great that she feels liberated and wants to be “free,” but, uh — where are all of these young men throwing around proposals like they’re fucking Mardi Gras beads? Here I am, 23 years old, with firm(ish) skin and no (okay maybe a few) wrinkles and I have yet to reel in any proposals. What gives?

Apparently, there’s a a breed of attractive guys who are into the whole age thing. Wrinkles turn them on. The extra skin flaps, also known as “wattles” (you’re welcome), underneath these ladies necks get them going. Old age is boner-inducing. And these ladies? They’re much more common than you think. After losing their husbands to death or younger women (which is almost as bad as death), having young men come on to them makes them feel like princesses.

In a documentary being released tomorrow called “Nanna Love: 50 Shades of Granny,” 31-year-old Kyle Jones explains why he is so into old ladies. And boy, does he get into them. Even though he’s screwing Shirley, he has multiple other women between the ages of 68 and 92, and she is totally cool with that. His lovers explain what it’s like to hook up with a much younger guy, and what they get out of it. You know, besides orgasms.

Now, I’m going to be honest: you have to see it to believe it, so I’ve included a sneak-video peak. Try to keep your lunch down while watching.


I want to say this is disgusting, but on the other hand, someday I’ll become an old, crotchety, lady. Considering the fact that I have no idea how to knit, I’ll need to do something with my hands to pass the time. So, I say save some of the cute ones and call me a super cougar, because I hear my future calling.

[via Daily Mirror]

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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