Your Favorite Fraternity Does Not Love You


Everyone says that girls, especially college girls, live in a world of delusions. Everyone says it — from your mom to your younger sister, your dad when he sees his credit card bill and swears you don’t know the value of a dollar, and even your ex-boyfriend after he told you to leave him alone to which you skewed as “please drunk text me a few more times.” The biggest delusion college girls live under is that their favorite fraternity loves them back.

I refused to believe this was true until a friend pointed it out to me. Excuse me? The place in which I spend ALL my free time (wanted or not), end up sleeping at two out of three days of the weekend, have made countless coolers for, know the door code to and boss the pledges around like it’s my own home, doesn’t love me back? Impossible. I refused to believe it for the longest time. I told my friend that these boys are my best friends — they would never lie to my face about how much they truly loved me.

Well, newsflash, it’s true — your favorite fraternity does not actually love you, as sad as it may be. They love the things you bring to the table, though, so don’t think for two minutes you’re completely useless. They love when you bring your hot little and all her friends over, and they love when you show up to their formal with the best cooler filled with the nicest alcohol you are more than willing to share because all these boys you may or may not have slept with are “basically your brothers.” They especially love it when your bring your pledge class over for a pre-game you aren’t allowed to have, because clearly your PC is fire. But all of these things are attributes you bring to the table, not attributes encompassing you, because yeah, you kind of suck.

You walk up to the door and demand to be let in. You scream at Pledge Tom when he didn’t know your name and tell him of course you’re allowed up the back door to the brothers’ rooms because you’re basically a brother! You drink all of their alcohol, even the good kind the guys hide in their rooms. You monopolize a brother all night talking about your own problems and never asking about his, therefore ruining all chances that he might get laid. You get blackout drunk because you feel so comfortable with these guys, which means they have to delegate one of their brothers to make sure you get home safe. You slept with a brother and his roommate, and his roommate’s brother, and his big and his big, and maybe all of room 305 down the hall. You think it’s cool to do all these things because you’re “friends” with everyone in this chapter, when really you’re kind of a thorn in their side.

I hate to break it to you, but your favorite fraternity does not love you. They tolerate you in exchange for all the other decent qualities you bring to their house. This doesn’t mean you should stop hanging around. Keep drinking their alcohol and sleeping with their guys, because while they may not love you, you haven’t been banned from the house yet! Keep thinking you’re just one of the brothers and use them the way they use you. Maybe next Saturday when you waltz down their halls at 7 a.m. banging on the neighbors door asking for a ride home, they’ll decide to initiate you right then and there.

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