The other night after I was done watching Ryan Lochte’s show, I decided to calm myself down with a nice chilled glass of chardonnay and some more terrible TV. I was feeling particularly un-motivated to be productive, as I usually am post-orgasm, so I just left E! on my tv. As luck would have, it, the show that follows What Would Ryan Lochte Do happens to be a show called Married to Jonas, which is about a girl from New Jersey and her gay bestie who used to be part of a boy band. It’s cute.
The episode followed the pair as they did all the fun things NYC has to offer. They went shopping, took a horse-drawn carriage ride through Central Park, and pretended to be interested in buying property so they could check out some of the ultra chic apartments overlooking Gramercy. The entire episode seemed like typical gay bestie protocol to me, and it wasn’t until about 15 minutes into the show that I realized something disturbing: this “Kevin Jonas” character was not, in fact, this girl’s gay best friend. He was her husband. Oh. As horrifying as this must be for the poor, delusional beard from Jersey, there are THOUSANDS of girls out there who are dating questionably gay men. It’s fine to date a gay guy, until you try to have sex with him, just ask Cher Horowitz. Here are a few signs your boyfriend is probably gay.
1. He’s more excited for formal season than you are because he gets to dress up.
2. He volunteered to watch Ryan Lochte’s show with you, before you even had to ask.
3. He has more hair products in his shower caddy than your roommates do combined.
4. When you’re making a life-altering decision like whether or not you should get highlights, he has an actual opinion rather than just telling you “you’ll look great either way.”
5. He bought you tickets to see Ke$ha for your birthday, and expects you to bring him as your date.
6. He was the first person to text you when Lilly Pulitzer died.
7. He’s the one who suggests fro-yo instead of ice cream after your date.
8. The only movies you’ve seen together are romantic comedies, which is just as much his choice as it is yours.
9. He has great abs, which would be fine, if he didn’t wax and tan them regularly to “enhance them.”
10. He empathized with Manti Te’o for reasons you’ll never understand.
11. The only reason he insisted you watch the Superbowl was because of the Beyonce concert.
12. He sprained his ankle playing intramural volleyball and insisted the medic give him a rectal exam.
13. He brought a picture of Miley Cyrus to his barber when he needed a new haircut.
14. He refuses to be on top when you have sex because it makes him look fat.
15. Actually, the only position he’s really into is doggy style.
16. His ideal party playlist consists of a mix of Disney songs and Madonna hits.
17. He doesn’t know how to fix your car, but he ALWAYS tells you when it’s not clean enough.
18. His instant queue on Netflix consists of The Hills, Laguna Beach, The City, and Pretty Wild…and you two haven’t watched Netflix together in ages.
19. He doesn’t mind that you blow him off to have a girls night as long as you let him come with.
20. He LOVES the idea of being your Prince Charming, because it means he gets to wear a crown.