Ten years ago today, on a normal, crisp October morning, a monster was born. At first, no one really noticed. But as teenagers got wind of it, it slowly grew in strength and popularity. Today four books, one unreleased manuscript, five movies, three copy-cat books, and one copy-cat movie have been released because of it. Before there was Mr. Grey and his red room. Before there was Kristen Stewart’s atrocious acting. Before there were sex-crazed moms and sultry vampire shows, there was “Twilight.”
In honor of creating such a
horrible, addictive piece of brain candy literary work of art, the novel’s author, Stephanie Meyer has decided to honor us with a gift. No, it’s not recasting the movies or punching E.L. James in the face for her equally bad casting choices.
Stephenie Meyer has written a 442-page reimagining of the novel that made her a publishing sensation. This time around, she’s switched the genders of her protagonists. In the new tale titled Life and Death: Twilight Reimagined, Bella Swan is now a boy named Beau (short for Beaufort) and the brooding Edward Cullen is now Edythe.
Meyer explains in her foreword to the anniversary edition of the novel that she decided to go with the gender bending to underscore her position that Bella isn’t a “damsel in distress” as certain critics have charged. Rather, the author insists, the character is a “human in distress,” or as Meyer calls her, “a normal human being surrounded on all sides by people who are basically superheroes and supervillains.” Meyer also takes issue with the criticism that Bella was “too consumed with her love interest, as if that’s somehow just a girl thing.” The author mentions, too, that Beau is “more OCD” than Bella was and that he’s “totally missing the chip Bella carries around on her shoulder all the time.”
So. Okay. What? Instead of just releasing the book from Edward’s perspective like everyone has been begging for forever, she’s switching genders? I’m all for defending your work, but let’s just cut the shit here. Bella is annoying AF. She’s way too obsessed with some guy who wants to kill her and she has absolutely no redeeming qualities. If she turns Bella into a guy the story is going to be even more unbelievable because no hot ass vampire chick is going to bang some annoying, nerdy, nobody. Sorry, it just doesn’t happen. Now if she wants to change the story and have “Edythe” run around reading the minds of her exes, outshining girls she hates, and forcing Ryan Gosling to love her forever while throwing in some of that kinky stuff from “50 Shades” then okay. But otherwise, I’m out.
And by “out” I mean that yes, I’ll go purchase the book today and finish reading it by tonight and sort of love it but tell everyone that I hate it and it’s dumb. But still, consider using my ideas next time Steph. Trust me, that’s a book we’d all want to read..
[via Entertainment Weekly]
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