You Really REALLY Need To Start Saving Money Right Now


Some friends are your Fun Friends. They encourage you to take risks, extra shots (both literally and figuratively), and in general, are all about living life on the edge.

I am not your Fun Friend. No, I am your Buzzkill Friend. A sanctimonious, studious bitch who’s here to ensure that you don’t do anything too stupid/die. I tell you to start outlining that paper up to two weeks before its due date. I tell you that an event starts a half-hour earlier than it actually does so you’ll at least have a semi-decent hope of showing up on time. I bring sunscreen with me everywhere. And I do mean everywhere. I have a bottle sitting in my bag right now. Sun safety now, ladies, and you won’t have to worry about paying for botox later.

But today I am here to lecture you about a topic that is simultaneously everyone’s favorite and least favorite: money. The WASP-ier types who feel uncomfortable discussing such gauche matters can take this moment to slip out the back, gracefully and silently.

So, anyway: MONEY. People usually want more of it. But oddly, an informal poll of my friends seems to reveal that most of them don’t have the first clue about how to get more bang for their buck or hell, even basically manage their finances. You would think that with this essential human need to acquire the adequate resources needed to survive, they would have put a little more thought into their spending habits. But no. I was appalled to learn that most of them, despite having degrees from prestigious universities, decent-paying jobs, financially responsible role-models, and quite literally every resource at their fingertips (it’s called “Google”), are essentially living paycheck-to-paycheck. No savings accounts. No budgeting. No idea about the concept of interest. I mean. Come the fuck on.

It’s beyond appalling, actually. It’s fucking reckless. Now, is there a chance that I am friends with a disproportionately large amount of stupid people? Of course. I myself am not too often found in the corner doing linear algebra. But the reality of the situation is: you really need to start saving, and you really need to start now.

Of course, I understand that many people do not have the luxury to save a lot, or even at all. There are student loans to think about, ever-increasing rent, and the fact that all this takes a lot of time and patience. But even if it’s just a couple bucks a month, it can make such a difference in your quality of life. It’s much easier to walk away from a bad work/family/roommate situation if you have a chunk of change that can cushion the blow.

And if you’re able to take that chunk of change and invest it in some way (either short-term or long-term) then you’ll be patting yourself on the back for the rest of your life. You might be able to retire to Maui instead of Mobile if you just start saving and investing now while you’re young and don’t have a ton of terrifying added expenses like, oh, say, children and a mortgage.

So please, start cutting corners where you can. Sure, Whole Foods is fun and bougie but it’s also kind of a fucking racket. And speaking of bougie fun, you might want to cancel those 10,000 subscription box services you’re getting. Admit to yourself that 90 percent of the stuff you get is crazy marked-up or will inevitably end up getting thrown in the garbage. Make your own coffee. Buy drugstore makeup and only shop sales. Bring your lunch from home. Turn the heat off and just wear a sweatshirt. It’s not always the ~*most fun*~ you could be having but hey, not being royally fucked over when some accidentally rear-ends your car and your insurance premium goes through the roof is pretty fun, too.

But hey, don’t listen to me. I’m just here to rain on your good time.

Buzzkill Friend

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I came for the wine, but I stayed for the complimentary appetizer sampler plate.

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