You Need To Stop Showing Up Late To Everything


I’ve mentioned this before, but it bears repeating: I’m not always a fun person. I’m hyper-responsible, maybe because I feel it’s very important to be on top of your shit since the world is a cold, uncaring place. Maybe because there is a very small but very real undercurrent of anxiety that rules my life (in case you couldn’t tell). I pay all my bills early. I’m a saver. I wear sunscreen every day. And despite some (very real) differences, I would have to say that the girl on Girls I relate to the most is Marnie. I know she’s the worst, but I’m kind of the worst, too.

So it should be no surprise that I come to you today with a message from all the other Terrible-Marnie’s like me: You need to stop showing up late to shit.

This is not to say that I think you’re a bad person or anything. I think you’re great! I just think you need to start showing up on time to well, everything instead of what you’ve been doing now, which is showing up late to again, well, everything.

I know that you probably don’t mean to. I know that you aren’t trying to disrespect anyone and are busy and there are very many, very good reasons for why people show up late to things. But, let’s face it, you’re late all the time. To quite literally all the things. It’s so pathological now that we’ve just started telling that you things start way earlier than they actually do so there will be at least a rat’s chance in hell of you arriving on time. We all laugh about it. Even me! But my laugh is secretly covering up a seething anger. Because showing up late to stuff is not a “cute personality quirk”. It’s just really rude.

It’s just that getting through the day is really hard, you feel me? There’s all these appointments and responsibilities to attend to, boxes to check off, etc. And your being late? Well, it fucks with my plans. When you’re late to class and you ask me to take really good notes so you can catch up? When you’re late to that (admittedly dumb) Greek Week event and the co-chair asks me where you are and I have to come up with a lie? When you ask to push coffee back a half hour but I’m already at the damn place? They’re small things sure, and most of the time I can just deal, but they’re undeniably fucking with my life.

And don’t even get me started with showing up late to breakfast/lunch/dinner. Fucking with people’s schedules when there’s hunger involved might as well be criminal, as far as I’m concerned.

But let’s be realistic, you’re not going to just magically start showing up on time now that I’ve scolded you. You’ve made it this far in life by being late, so why change? It’s not like you’re going to acquire a new mindset about how time works overnight. So, you and I, let’s make little goals. You can try to just be five to ten minutes earlier to things and I’ll try to control my brow furrowing and bitchy asides.

Because let’s get real, neither is a good look.

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I came for the wine, but I stayed for the complimentary appetizer sampler plate.

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