We’re not all that different, you and me. We’re all just out here, doing the best we can, trying to find that one perfect penis in a sea of mediocre dick pics. We all want the same thing. A nice, healthy 7-incher to take home to Mom and Dad. Slightly above average, but no monster cock. The Goldilocks of wieners, if you will.
But we can’t all be so lucky, because as I’m sure you know, not all dicks are created equally. Some are too big. Some are too little. And it got me wondering, in which case are we getting off better (pun intended, times a billion trillion)? Would you rather your boyfriend be too big or too small? Let’s analyze both sides of the coin.
For all intents and purposes, let’s say that the dicks in question are both reasonably too big and reasonably too small. Something you could find in nature, but something you wouldn’t be thrilled about. We’ll say the little guy is 3 inches, and the big one is about 10 inches. We can’t give either man extra redeeming qualities like money, humor, or good looks — BUT bare in mind that their personalities will match their penises.
The Good: Blow jobs are the number one best thing about small dicks. You can go hard in the paint, with no choking, no gagging, no fearing for your life, and no resentment. If little dicks didn’t come with semen, they’d be magical little wands sent to us from the high heavens. Giving more head means getting more head — oh what a world it could be. The little dick man will also be loyal to you, and I know this is incredibly selfish to play on his potential insecurity, but if he doesn’t want to show off his ding-a-ling, he’s going to be better at keeping it for your eyes only. Sex with this guy will never be painful. You won’t be walking around after like your insides are broken. You won’t need as much of a warm-up, meaning you’ll probably be down to have it more frequently, which will be good for both of you. Plus, as a means to compensate for what he lacks in size, he’ll probably be really invested in trying to make sure you still feel satisfied — “like a thirsty camel at a desert oasis.”
Plus, your future boyfriends won’t think you’re a whore if you’ve only “taken” a small one, so yay for misogyny!
The Bad: The obvious problem with a small dick is that, well, you tend to feel unfulfilled, and I mean that in the most primal and raw sense of the word. That itch you can’t scratch? Yeah, he can’t scratch it either if he can’t reach it. But the worst part about a small dick is how much a guy with a small dick cares that he has a small dick. You will spend so much time assuring him that it doesn’t bother you, that even if it didn’t bother you, it will start to bother you. The sexiest thing on a guy is confidence, and you’ll find you’re more upset about what he lacks in his personality than in his pants.
The Accommodations: Sexually, there are things you can do to help the situation. Most of them involve toys — a word I hate, but I suppose it’s better than saying “put more stuff into your vagina.” Of course, he won’t want to use a “we-vibe” every time, and you run the risk of him getting jealous of your battery operated devices, but if he’s really confident, it can work.
The Good: They’re more exciting to look at. I know, I know, girls are all supposed to hate looking at dick for some reason, but a big bulge is going to rile you more than a small one.
The Bad: Sex can really hurt if a guy is too big. Nothing is fun about feeling like a dick is poking the inside of your belly button. There can be tearing, and when you’re in pain, you’re not having fun. And blow jobs are a near impossible task — you can only go so far, and then feel completely inadequate when you don’t feel like you can get the job done. Plus, big dick guys are so cocky — a word whose origin I just discovered this minute — that they can be insufferable to be around. If word gets out that you banged a guy with a big dick, somehow, this can tarnish your reputation. You’re “ruined for other men.” Again, that’s their insecurity, but somehow, it affects you. Yay for misogyny!
The Accommodations: Lots of lube. Lots of foreplay. Lots of “not tonight.”
At the end of the day, no matter how you argue each side, there’s only one fact that matters — our bodies are made to stretch (childbirth, ya know?), not to shrink. You can get used to a big one, but a small one will always feel small. And as for the personality? Better a dick than a weenie, I always say.
The results are clear:
*Update: These are the results at the time this column was published, when almost exclusively women were voting.
These are the results once the column, and the poll, was put onto TFM’s social media.
Would you rather your boy's wiener be
— Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) December 8, 2015
El. Oh. El. Big dick for the win..
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