You’ve been with your boyfriend for about a month, but you’ve been “seeing” each other for longer than that. You’re at his place more than you’re at your own, you spend nearly every day together, and things are going great. You’re fucking like rabbits and in that wonderful ooey-gooey stage of lust where everything he does is sexy and you can’t stand to be apart for more than a few hours. He’s perfect. You’re perfect together.
Until something horrible happens. You have a fight. Maybe it was his fault, or maybe it was even yours, but the first fight sets the tone for the entire rest of the relationship. If he screws up and somehow cons you into apologizing, you might as well give up now. It’s crucial you win this fight, and every other fight, if you want this relationship to last. Here’s how to do it.
If He Did Something Wrong
There’s absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t win an argument if he’s the one who screwed up. You’re smarter than that — at least, you should be. Winning this kind of argument is child’s play. Maybe he ignored you at a party. Maybe he texted his ex back after she annoyingly tried to “congratulate” him on his new relationship status. Bottom line: he did something stupid that he should be sorry for, and that’s exactly how you’re going to make him feel. To win this kind of fight, just follow these few basic steps.
Cry like a motherfucking baby. Think about the most depressing, heart breaking, gut wrenching thing to ever happen to you and bawl your eyes out. Guys hate tears, and the mere sight of a salt water on your cheeks causes him to feel instant guilt over what he did wrong (even if he just said two minutes ago “it wasn’t a big deal”). Once the tears start flowing, so will his apology.
- Call him out on his shit
You’re smart. You know he’s smart. He knew exactly what he was doing when he chose to text his ex back or get that other girl a drink. He wasn’t “just being friendly.” You know it, he knows it, but he doesn’t think you know it. By calling him out on his shit, you’re quite literally blowing his mind. He thought he was slick, but now he sees that you’re not just another girl who can be easily fooled. No — you’re a force to be reckoned with. As much as guys like to be in control, they secretly love it when they meet a girl who knows how to put him in his place.
- Talk about it like rational adults
First you won him over with your tears, then you called him out on his shit and made him realize that you’re not the kind of bitch to fuck with, and now you go in for the kill. Quit with the hysterics and talk about the issue at head with a clear and rational head. You want to convince him that you’re not totally batshit crazy and emotional. Talk about why it was wrong, why he did it, make him agree that it was wrong and that he’ll never do it again.
The key here is to lead him to the right answer, because in his head, he probably doesn’t understand that what he did was wrong and stupid. (Men, amirite?) It’s all about the phrasing: instead of saying “You’re an idiot for giving that homewrecking whore the attention she so desperately craves,” say something like “That chapter in your life and your relationship with her is over, and if you care about me and want to give this a real shot, you have to leave the past in the past. You wouldn’t want me talking to my exes, right?” The poor bastard has to agree with you, or he’s a liar and an idiot. You’ll have him eating out of the palm of your hands in no time.
If You Did Something Wrong
So you fucked up. You drunkenly flirted with his best friend (who just happens to be Chance Crawford’s long lost twin) or he caught you looking at his Facebook messages (it’s not your fault he left himself logged in). Amateur mistake, but whatever. He’s pissed at you, and honestly, he kind of has a right to be. Here’s how to turn this situation around and come out on top.
- DON’T get angry
This is perhaps the worst thing you can do and the easiest way to lose this fight and possibly lose him. At first, you might be angry because, hello bitch, you got caught, but you can’t show it. This will just push him further away, and right now, you need him to want to forgive you. Push aside your pride and just admit what you did wrong.
That’s right, the tears work both ways. Except this time, instead of feeling immediate guilt, he’ll feel the immediate need to comfort you. A guy physically can’t just sit back and stare at a girl when she’s crying or he’s literally a sociopath. He’ll hug you, hold you, and maybe if you’re lucky, kiss the top of your head. All those feel good hormones that come out of hiding when two people cuddle will also make an appearance in this situation. Even if you royally fucked up, if he sees that you feel remorse and you show him that you’re really, truly sorry for what you did, coupled with how good it feels to hold you in his arms, he won’t be able to stay mad at you for long.
- Reward him for his forgivness
What a guy — forgiving you for being a crazy, stupid bitch. And honestly, aren’t we all a little crazy sometimes? We’re human, everyone fucks up eventually. But if he forgives you, he deserves a little something-something. Yup, you know exactly where I’m going with this. Give him a blowjob. Just this once. It doesn’t have to be very long, just make sure he knows this is how you say “thank you for accepting me at my most crazy.” So in the future, if you fuck up again (and you will), he knows exactly what will happen if and when he accepts your apology.
You might be thinking, “How, by any stretch of the imagination, is giving him a blowjob ‘winning’?” Well, it’s not. You fucked up, girl. You had this coming. But at the end of the night (and fight) you’re the one who has him by his balls — literally. I’d call that a win..