Why Your Winter Sex Life Is Terrible

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Sex in the winter, like two beached seals try to shimmy their ways back into the ocean, is lethargic and grisly. No matter how many couples go at it on a bearskin rug in front of the fireplace in the movies, reality dictates that during the colder months, sex is a partially clothed act between two people atop some flannel sheets. The only barometer for success is whether or not your iTunes shuffles in leftover Christmas songs. It’s not pretty. Don’t fight it. Just hunker down for some sub-par shacking. Why? I’m glad you asked.

Your workout regime is pretty lackluster
If your body in summer is Regina George, then your winter body is that horrifying girl with the wide-set vagina. You’re not as tan, skinny, or moisturized in the colder months, and it tends to make your sex life downright miserable. There is nothing worse that getting down to your skivies and realizing that you look like the long lost twin sister of an Alaskan fisherman’s daughter. If you’re hooking up during the day, you better hope the blinds are closed, because the reflection from the sun off your pale skin could blind your partner in under a minute. You also should start stocking up on moisturizer because you’re going to be spending the next few months scalier than ‘Rainbow Fish.’ But don’t worry. You’ll be nice and insulated during the dirty deed, because your extra layer of holiday weight will make you feel so insecure that you’ll need cover up with blankets, or even a sweatshirt the entire time. If that hasn’t successfully brought down your libido, just remember it’s so cold out that shaving your legs is pretty much pointless. It’ll just grow back in an hour.

Your pre-sex rituals are nonexistent.
Remember that time in July when you let the strap of your sundress accidentally slip off your shoulder and that cutie at the bar slowly caressed you as he pulled it back up? You ended up going at it on the dance floor, remember? Yeah, try that move in sweater dress without gyrating like a tribal dancer. All of your sexy summer moves — the slight thigh flashes and pulling your hair into a ponytail — they’re all gone because it’s -1000 degrees and you’re practically wearing a snowsuit in public. I’d pay big money to see a girl play coy and innocent when wearing a puffy vest and a giant knit infinity scarf. For the next few months, you’re going to have to rely on your good looks above the chin, because beyond the wrist, the rest of your body is hibernating.

It’s fucking cold outside.
Winter isn’t sexy. I don’t care what fashion magazines say or how celebrities dress. There is virtually no way to come across as a sensual female when you’re busy trying to avoid frostbite for four months out of the year. It’s a proven fact (probably) that your libido drops during the winter season, so trying to get raunchy with a guy is going to be extra tricky. You’re spending a majority of the time bundled up on a couch, not slipping on a mini skirt that accents your tan. There is no desire to move, let alone spread the goods for some one-night stand at the bar. Even worse, when you finally do get nasty, there is no temperature regulating in the bedroom in the winter. In the summer, there is nothing more attractive than that light glisten of sweat in the bedroom, but in the winter, there is no climate control. It’s colder than the arctic circle outside the blankets and hotter than hades under the sheets. Your guy’s going to have a very unsettling film of sweat along his junk and you can’t complain, because your under-boob sweat is going to be just as unattractive. And somehow…you’re still shivering. Not even Ciara can make that look sexy.

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Babe Lincoln

Babe Lincoln (@Babe__Lincoln) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and spends the majority of her time knocking back Franzia and introducing herself as "the female Johnny Manziel."

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