Before you shake your head and mutter something about standards, just hear me out. I mean you should date someone who’s uglier than you, not just plain ugly. He should still live up to your standards: not be a loser, not be a complete idiot, and not have an empty bank account. If you’re a hard 8, soft 9 when you actually try, and your beer goggles convince you that you’re a 10 as you look in the bar bathroom mirror, you should date a 7.
Why? The reason for our very existence: attention. When you date a guy uglier than you, there is attention from all angles. Not only him, but other people look at you curiously wondering why you’re with him. Is he rich? A tech genius? Well endowed? While yes, there will be those bitches who look a little too curiously at you and smirk to themselves, you’re the real winner. His friends? You’ll be lifted to legend status in that friend group as “The Hot One Mike Dated,” or even if the breakup is messy, “The Hot Bitch Mike Dated.” What you lose in looks you make up for in nearly every other department.
Think back to that hookup where you got waaay too lucky with someone totally out of your league. You probably woke up that morning, prayed to God for it to rain Gatorade, and looked over in amazement. How in the hell did you get so lucky? Then, panic set in because you looked like a raccoon that went for a five-night stay in a McDonald’s dumpster. You either quickly snatched that shack shirt or hobbled out or you went or took drastic measures. Smudging last night’s mascara tracks into a smoky eye and desperately trying to do something with your hair so it didn’t resemble something pulled out of a drain. That’s how a guy feels all the time when he dates someone who is hotter than he is. That sense of pride and joy, but also paranoia. To combat that paranoia, they’ll treat you like a queen in every way possible: sex, appreciation, and consideration.
Douchebags have always said that ugly women make great sex buddies. Surprise! So do guys. Outside the bedroom, he falls just short of worshiping you. He cares about your feelings because he feels his looks aren’t enough to keep you with him. Bye-bye head games. He treats you right because he genuinely appreciates you in his life. You are the best thing that ever happened to him. You’ll never feel jealous again. Girls as hot as or hotter than you don’t look his way twice. Girls uglier than you… well suddenly you feel a mix of pity and superiority if you find out one has a crush, kind of like when your rival house gets put on for probation.
I’m not advocating for using someone who clearly repulses you to feed your ego and your jewelry box. I’m just reminding you of that really witty guy in your philosophy class that had that receding hairline, or that soft ginger 7 on the lacrosse team that you enjoy conversation with. These are guys that you could have a connection with if you looked past their less than stellar looks or if you weren’t afraid of what your friends would say. Take the chance. If it’s so horrendous and you can’t look past that gap tooth of his, then think of the date as the highlight of his college career.
Worst comes to worst, you break up. But regardless of who dumps whom, you’re the real winner. Because who is he going to replace you with? He just went from Louis Vuitton back to the knock-off Crocs at Walmart. .