At some point in your drinking career, you are going to wake up with a sense of dread culminating in the pit of your stomach. Drunk texts, tweets, and maybe waking up in a room that isn’t your own–it’s enough to swear off drinking (spoiler alert: you won’t). As you lie in the hungover bed you made for yourself, it makes you feel better to blame another entity for your problems. It could be the alcohol you drank last night, the fraternity who made the best jungle juice you’d ever tasted, or even your phone for not knowing that texting your ex at 3 a.m. was a bad idea. I mean, we can put a man on the moon but we can’t figure out a way for me to ensure I won’t text all my former hookups when I’m hammered in the wee hours of the morning? Whatever.
Instead of wasting your energy hating all these things, just hate one thing: your drunk alter ego. You can even name her so you don’t sound like a crazed masochist, i.e.: That bitch Sheila called the guy I currently have my eye on at least five times Thursday night. Like, I don’t mind her borrowing my phone, but how big of a bitch is she for doing that? That sounded real, right? Blaming Sheila for all my drunken problems has saved me a lot of headaches and dread. I’ve found you can blame everything on your drunk alter ego–trust me.
Every Monday, you think today’s the day you will start eating healthy food. No more fast food grease sacks, no nachos, nothing! You have spring break AND formal coming up, so you need to be in top physical shape. Monday through Thursday, you follow your rules so strictly that you may loose a pound or two in fat. Going into Thirsty Thursday, you feel on top of the world. Hell, you even try to order low(er)-Cal vodka for your vodka soda.
But after your third drink, you forget about your progress. Shots are taken, vodka crans are ordered, and you wind up heading home with your girls, begging the cab driver to stop at McDonald’s before your house. You wake up the next morning with a McDouble wrapper attached to your head, fries all over your bed, and a headache splitting through your entire head. Your drunk alter ego has struck again and she has completely ruined anything your diet has done for you. You would sob, but that would cause your headache to increase in pain. All that’s left to do is literally wallow in a bed of french fries–and grab some Chick-fil-A for breakfast, of course. If your drunk alter ego hadn’t ruined your diet last night, you wouldn’t need the delicious hangover cure that is Chick-fil-A breakfast. Besides, you were good for three days, so what’s one McDonald’s trip and one Chick-fil-A trip? You’ll be good for lunch and dinner, you and won’t get that drunk tonight. Just kidding! The same thing happens Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and you don’t actually start your diet until Monday. It’s such a vicious cycle.
Drunk Phone Use
Perhaps the only thing worse than waking up next to a McDouble wrapper is waking up to a phone full of texts messages that you have no memory of sending. Why did you send 20 texts to Paul? You haven’t seen him since…you were the backseat of his car. At least you didn’t text–oh fuck. Yeah, you texted Josh, the guy you used to hook up with on the reg. Apparently no one told your drunk alter ego things ended, because these texts are rather suggestive. You think it could be worse, but then you check Twitter. 10 new tweets? “Srrruisfdops fack,” tweeted at 12:30 a.m. gives your feed a nice touch. Give your drunk alter ego a pat on the back. She’s taken the cake on this one. Also, don’t bother opening Snapchat. You’ll just cry.
Drunk Hook Ups
While it definitely sucks at first, drunkenly using your phone is NOT the worst thing your drunk alter ego can do. The WORST thing is wake up in a bed that’s not yours, in a room you may have been in once or twice. You had an adult sleepover, and he may have slept over in your mouth. Ugh. You grab your phone, casually ignoring your drunk texts from the night before, and send out a S.O.S. to all your sisters, who are probably just going to laugh and make you walk back because they need a good laugh this morning. You decide to put your drunken alter ego on a leash after this.