Why Women Love Assholes (And Men Love Crazies)

I’ve always said that crazy is to guys what asshole is to girls. It’s this quality in the opposite sex that you KNOW is dangerous and mentally draining, and you say you hate it when really, you find nothing more attractive. Guys LOVE crazy bitches. Love them. They can tell you and tell you until the cows come home…you know, on bid day…to the fat house…that they don’t like your behavior and they wish it would stop, but it isn’t true. Whether they know it or not, they love it – much in the same way we complain about assholes, but are secretly/not-so-secretly addicted to them. So he may know that the second you call him an asshole, it means you’re probably going to be engaged in a sloppy makeout on the dance floor (and later in his bed)…but the second he calls you crazy, you can start expecting him to open his expensive liquor for you (and later buy you presents). I’ve been called pretty much every name in the DSM-IV by pretty much every guy I’ve ever spoken to, but that has NEVER made a guy decide to call it quits. Ever.

Coincidentally, assholes and crazy are reinforcing properties…so if a guy is an asshole, it makes a girl crazy, and if a girl is crazy, it makes a guy an asshole. WINNING. Or losing, depending how you look at it. Win or lose, we booze, amirite? So the nice guys date the sane girls and live together happily in Boringville and the rest of us are in these chaotic relationships with people who are attractive in such a way it’s an addiction. The guys who can admit they’re into crazy chicks pretend it’s because they think the girl is going to be good in the sack, but that’s not why at all. That’s equivalent to us saying “he’s an asshole, but he can be because he’s so rich.” Those things don’t hurt, but they are by no means the reason we stick around for as long as we do, enduring behavior we claim to hate.

I’ve come up with a sort of analogy…it’s weird, but bear with me. What is one of the best feelings in the world? One of the BEST: when you really really REALLY have to pee, and then you finally do. Do you like being at the point when you are in physical pain because you have to go so badly? No. But nothing beats that feeling of when the pain finally goes away. The same concept applies when you’re involved with an asshole/crazy girl. It’s not that you like when they’re acting that way, you are totally right in your beliefs that you hate that behavior, but they are not always like that. Sometimes they are absolutely lovely, and you keep holding on waiting for that behavior. It’s not that you like them mentally tormenting you, it’s just that it feels SO good when they stop. The feeling you get when they finally are nice to you after the torture they just put your brain through is a WAY better feeling than if they’d been nice all along (like…if you just peed right when you had to, it wouldn’t feel that good, but if you let it get to the point of pain and then you go…it feels amaaaaaazing). Of course…this isn’t good. It wouldn’t be healthy to hold it in just so you could get that feeling when it released, and this isn’t healthy either…still, it’s an addiction, and it’s what you do. The feeling is orgasmic in nature…so I hear – the big O is a release of your overly tense muscles, but you can’t get the release without the tension – all the best feelings follow suit.

There’s also a scientific explanation behind our addiction that my best friend, pledge sister, and former colleague recently shed some light on for me. The most powerful and addictive type of behavioral reinforcement is called Intermittent Variable Ratio Reinforcement. It basically means that a “prize” is presented to you at random as opposed to in response to a specific action. It is used mostly to discipline children and keep them in line, meaning, if they are randomly rewarded for good behavior they are more likely to use their good behavior all the time because they never know when the reward is coming, rather than just behaving when they want something. Pretty good stuff and it totally makes sense. This type of reinforcement is also responsible for gambling addiction…which makes sense too; you keep at a behavior in hopes of getting the “prize” or “reward” because you never know when it’s coming. Now…get ready to have your minds blown…………..

THIS IS THE REASON WE BECOME ADDICTED TO ASSHOLES/CRAZY GIRLS. Sometimes they are nice, but we never know when it’s coming. If you look at their “nice” behavior as the “prize”/”reward” it TOTALLY makes sense why we stick around for all the crap. We just keep up with the same behavior (not leaving…) knowing that eventually they’ll be nice to us. If they were always nice after you did something, you’d just always do that thing…but they keep you guessing and as previously mentioned, it is the most powerful and addicting type of behavioral reinforcement.

So all this time, you thought your brain was broken, but it’s SCIENCE. You’re actually NORMAL. Maybe. Want to know how to fix it? Well read no further, because I have no fucking clue. I tried to look up “how to overcome a gambling addiction” because as my girl so graciously put it, we’re gambling with dying alone, and I got nothing. So, sorry I have no solution for it, but take comfort in the fact that at least there’s a reason behind your destructive choices in men and women.


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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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