It’s right around the corner, creeping up on us faster than we care to think about. Spring flowers aren’t the only things about to bloom. It’s almost wedding season, and I’m going to say the most basic thing a girl can say about weddings: I HATE THEM. I get it, it’s a beautiful symbol of two people joining lives before man and God, and blah blah blah, but seriously I’d rather celebrate steak and blow job day than go do a damn wedding. Maybe, I don’t know. They both suck (pun intended). And it’s not just because I’m a bitter basic, they are generally just not all they’re cracked up to be.
They make you think about your future.
She’s a year younger than me and she’s getting married. The only thing waiting at home for me is a cat and two bottles of wine. And what’s that sound? Oh, it’s just the ticking of my biological clock. I think it gets louder with each and every “I do.”
They’re pretty much all the same.
Change a few words and the names, and if you’ve been to one wedding, you’ve pretty much been to them all. It gets boring after awhile. How about some excitement! Why don’t people ice their husbands during the garter toss any more! No one ever gives a good speech about how the bride is in a “Girls Gone Wild” spring break video, and how the groom once made out with her sister. That’s the stuff we came for, people!
You can’t help but plan your wedding while you’re there.
Tacky, tacky, tacky, and oh my God CUTE. I’m stealing this idea but making it way better for my wedding. As you sit there cataloguing every detail into “want” and “talk shit about later” folders, you can’t help but once again remember that you don’t even have a boyfriend who could some day potentially fit into this perfect wedding you’re planning. You convince yourself you’re going to die alone for the sixth time that hour.
You’re forced to act happy for that bitch you hate.
For reasons I’ll never quite understand, you will inevitably be invited to weddings of people you don’t like all that much. It’s usually just some kind of social protocol that she had to invite you, so you had to go, and everyone’s a little less happy than they should be. It is physically and mentally exhausting to sit through an entire wedding and reception pretending to be happy for someone that you can’t stand. I like that veil, though. Dammit.
They always lead to awkward questions.
“So when are you two going to tie the knot?”
“Well, it’s only our fourth date so I’d say it’ll be awhile.”
Every single person you run into is going to ask you if you’ve found a man, if you’re keeping your man, or if you’re a lesbian. And trust me when I tell you that it is frowned upon to yell “HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW” at your grandmother during the first dance..