A couple days ago, I read a column about why a girl who wants a gay bestie may or may not be a bigot. The column was written by my old friend Sterling Cooper, AKA the one and only Randall J. Knox. Knox, Knox, Knox, you beautiful, misguided fool. While I respect and admire your opinion–as well as your musk–I must disagree with your stance on the gay bestie. Also, Knox, you left your shorts at my house. They’ve been here for, like, six months. What the hell am I supposed to do with them? Do I mail them back to you? What’s your address? Also, how could you have possibly left without wearing shorts?
Regardless, the guy has a bit of a point. Do I want to be sought out like a piece of meat and paraded around in a group of female friends as “the gay guy”? Not really. Unless the person picking me out like a guy at the deli counter is Mark Consuelos–if that’s the case, I’ll be his lean cut of beef. But growing up on “Sex and the City,” I craved the idea of being someone’s Stanford or Anthony. Being a girl’s gay bestie is pretty great, and to be honest, I kind of just wish there was a Tinder for gay guys to meet ready, willing, and able female friends for macchiatos.
Here’s why being a Gay BFF is great.
Girls Are More Understanding Than Guys
Honestly, it’s 2014, and the world has gotten a lot more progressive for the most part. Where once there was a panic and shock at the word “gay,” now it’s barely a blip on the radar. Nowadays, it’s as commonplace as the sun rising in the east, or ESPN gushing about LeBron James on end. Again, yes, I know sports. It’s one of the reasons why I fit in so well with guys. Being “one of the guys” is important, too. But as far as asking for relationship advice goes, I really don’t want to talk about Fernando, my latest conquest, with a guy who goes by the name “Pussyslayer69” on OkCupid. (Seriously, Rodney, you gotta change that name.) Having female friends who can offer you a little bit more than “Bro, did you tap that?” is, frankly, good for the soul. Guys won’t snuggle with you on the couch, watch “The Notebook,” and cry into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s with you. They’re just not programmed that way. But we are, and so are you.
We’re Not Catty
Well, we’re not catty to you. Personally, I’m catty as fuck. You all know that. I’m a sassy bitch. But whereas another girl might direct her cattiness at you, talk about you behind your back, and try to steal your boyfriend, we won’t do that. What you see is what you get. We’ll be straightforward with you and tell you flat-out that the guy you’re dating isn’t right for you. We’ll tell you when you’re looking like a hot mess. And, again, unless your boyfriend is on the DL, we won’t TOUCH him. The boy is NOT mine, Brandi. Even if he is on the DL, we’ll tell you what we think. Flat-out. You want upfront honesty? You come find me.
Down To Play Dress-Up
Girls, you’re like the Barbie dolls our parents didn’t want us playing with as kids. I love helping female friends pick out their outfits for dates, parties, and really anything, and I know I’m not alone in this desire. Other than getting to shop together for hours on end, nothing fills my heart with joy more than seeing a girl wearing an adorable outfit that, naturally, I picked out, get picked up on the dance floor by some cute investment banker. Wait a minute. Fuck that. I wanna bag me a rich guy! Move aside, betch.
Joking. Totes Jokes. Lollerskates.
We Love Being The Only Guy At An All-Girl Sleepover
It’s like watching National Geographic or the Discovery Channel, because we get to see girls in their natural habitats without (straight) guys around–especially girls who you KNOW are brilliant, but dumb themselves down so guys will like them. BTW, newsflash, honey: If you have to do that so a guy will like you, he doesn’t deserve you. But like my green homie Kermit the Frog sipping on some tea, that’s none of my business. But it’s fun, because all girls like to do is eat snacks, watch “Friends,” and rag on other people, and honestly, that’s what I spend my days doing anyway.
You Help Us As Much As We Help You
Let Stefon get real for a second. Just a second. I think my girlfriends help me just as much as I help them. Who will comfort you after you get dumped by a cute, handsome Spaniard who only shares with you one tongue, the language of love? Not your guy friends. They won’t get it. Bless them. They just don’t understand what it’s like, well, dating them. Girls know what it’s like to get dumped by guys. Love is a battlefield, and at times, it seems like we’re fighting a war against guys. Thankfully, we have each other, and maybe together we can piece together the unique knowledge we both share in order to survive the dating world.
So with that in mind, are there any lonely girls out there who are looking for a new BFF? Because Stefon’s got you covered. Believe dat.