The main thing I’ve learned during my four years of school is that college is all about multitasking. While you can do some activities at the same time, like drinking and writing papers, or sleeping and E-board meetings, there is one combination that you absolutely can’t combine: meeting guys at the gym.
Cosmopolitan recently released its annual Top 10 Places To Meet Guys list, which featured the weight room in the gym as the prominent number two spot. But that’s bullshit. Here’s why: going into the weight room means I’ll inevitably see guys with veins bulging so far out of their necks they look like they’re going to burst. When they eventually do burst, they’ll get blood all over my Lululemons, so, like, no—I’m not taking the risk. Also, do people actually think I want to parade around the weight room and show all the guys in there how I struggle even pick up a 20 pound kettle ball, never mind throw it over my head? I bet my repeated failed attempts to lift the minimum weight on a bicep curler really turns them on, right? I mean, if me farting while he’s spotting me for a deadlift doesn’t get him all riled up, I don’t know what will. Thanks for the advice Cosmo. Not.
The other half of the gym, obviously, is the cardio section. First off, the only reason I’m getting on these machines in the first place is to either burn off the alcoholic calories from the night before or to burn off the alcoholic calories I plan to drink tonight. Either way, I’m there to sweat. No, I don’t want to attempt flirting as I drip from literally every pore in my body, so spare me the mortification. And ladies, trust me when I say this: your hookup from junior year DOES NOT think it’s sexy to see you sweating off the remnants of your three-day-old spray tan. He WILL approach you and ask if you need to go to the hospital and you WILL seriously consider transferring schools until your embarrassment subsides (it never will).
So in all honesty, do yourself a huge favor and don’t even attempt eye contact with the male species at the gym. Being polite and having manners is one thing, but “casually” bumping into that guy who sits two rows ahead of you in Econ 201 and having a useless conversation about the possibilities of it raining tomorrow won’t help you at all toward achieving Ring By Spring status.
If you’re really in a bind and need to juggle the partying/meeting guys/working out trifecta just remember:
1 shot: 70 calories
Meeting guys: 0 calories
15 minute dance floor MO: -120 calories
You do the math.