We’ve all done it at some point. Whether it was with a long-term boyfriend or a one-night stand, we’ve all spent the night in bed with someone else. Granted, maybe not completely sober, but we’ve done it. And it sucks.
“How could it possibly suck?” you may ask. “Cuddling is awesome!” And yes, it is–when you’re awake. But once someone’s asleep, all bets are off.
Chances are, he probably gets hot when he sleeps. Because of this, he only has one sheet on his bed and, like, 50 fans all blowing directly at the bed at the same time. In spite of all this, it STILL feels like a hot, muggy, southern summer afternoon if he has his arms wrapped around you. But naturally, if he moves away from you, it suddenly turns into the Arctic. This effect also makes it much more difficult to get up in the morning
You’ve been lying there completely still for what feels like an hour by now and you’re STILL not asleep. You decide you should roll over, because that usually fixes things when you’re in your own bed. Try that when you’re sharing a bed with a guy, though. One of two things will happen. Either his arm has become dead weight on your body, making moving impossible, or you both have already moved so much that one of you is either up against the wall or on the edge of the bed and your movement would cause an inevitable crash for one of you (most likely you).
If you like sleeping with a stick up your ass, that’s great–you do you, honey–but I, for one, do not. If you’re spooning with a guy who’s fallen asleep, he WILL get a boner at some point in the night and he WILL subconsciously try to put it in your butt.
Remember those millions of fans he’s got that are blowing directly at the bed? Yeah, they’re all blowing your hair into your face right now. And it tickles. Moving your hair out of your face does nothing, because the fans just blow it right back where it was. But don’t worry, ladies. This one isn’t a walk in the park for your gentleman caller, either. He’s dealing with a face full of your hair, too, and if you’re really unlucky, he’s tugging on it every 10 minutes or so to get it out of his face.
It’s 3 a.m. Your buzz is gone, you’re sweating or freezing, your shoulder has gone numb, and you’re pretty sure you’ve scratched all the skin off your face from swatting away your hair. And worst of all, you’re still freaking awake. You think to yourself, “How could this POSSIBLY get any worse?” and that’s when it happens. He starts snoring. Loudly. Like, the kind of loud that you can feel in the spaces between your joints. That’s when you know that you’re NEVER getting to sleep now.
I’m not saying these are problems that can’t be solved. If you’re trying to make things work out for the long run with a guy, absolutely talk to your man and try to find a way that you can both sleep in the same bed comfortably. But if he’s just a one-night stand? Wait ’til he falls asleep, claim your shacker shirt, and go home for the good night’s sleep you deserve.