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Why No Girl Should Be A “Spitter,” From A Girl’s Perspective

Why No Girl Should Be A "Spitter," From A Girl's Perspective

There are really only two reasons why a woman would ever spit. The first, and most obvious, is that the taste, quite honestly, is just vile. Some people say, “You can’t taste it if you swallow it.” I call those people straight men. You can taste it, and it’s unpleasant. It’s downright repulsive, actually. Most of us are straight bitches about taking vodka shots–cumshots are just as bad, if not worse.

The more complex reason is that she might feel degraded by you expecting her to ingest something that came out of your body. I mean, think about it. It’s a fucking bodily fluid, among the ranks of shit, piss, blood, and puss. Asking someone to ingest ANY of those other bodily fluids sounds like something you’d make a prisoner of war do once ethics go out the window. Or, like, maybe there was an episode of “Law and Order” where a woman lived in a basement with nothing but a pot to piss in for seven years, and occasionally her kidnapper would force her to drink his blood. That is pretty much the same thing as swallowing semen. You know, to some women.

Outside those two explanations, the only reason I can think of to spit is either because the 20 calories are too many for you, or because you’re, like, 16, and this is your first blow job. But the fact of the matter is this: spitting doesn’t solve either of your problems, because in order to spit, it still has to go in your mouth. You still have to taste dick snot, and you still have to live with the fact that your boyfriend doesn’t want to kiss you because your mouth has just been violated. And at that point, you might as well just choke it down, because spitting actually makes things worse. What do you fucking do? Politely excuse yourself as you run to the bathroom holding in this new combination of jizz and vomit, while simultaneously praying he doesn’t see your ass looking like jelly? Grab his dip spit can? Just let it dribble right back out of your mouth onto his body? I won’t call myself an expert, but I’m pretty sure the goal is arousal, and I’m pretty sure that’s the least arousing thing you can do to a man.

It makes zero sense that we are part of this weird, spit-shaming generation. While I understand the value of solidarity, bonding with someone over your method of semen disposal is just strange. Stranger still is judging someone else for hers. Especially in a world where women are regularly pretending to be nearly as virginal as the Madonna, I don’t understand a swallower’s pride: “I SWALLOW THAT SHIT. SPITTERS ARE QUITTERS. I SUCK THAT D RIGHT! But OMG, I’ve only slept with, like, two people. I’m not a whore.” I’m here to tell you ladies that you are fighting a war against no one. I’ll let you all in on a little secret:

Spitters don’t exist. I know this, because I’m not afraid to admit the thing you’re never supposed to say: I don’t swallow.

*And the crowd goes wild with disappointment.*

*No one ever wants a blow job from me again.*

*Cracks knuckles, leans back, and smiles, because that’s secretly my lifelong goal, anyway.*

For some reason, while everyone has been busy batting for “Team Swallow” or “Team Too Ashamed To Speak Up,” we’ve forgotten about the most prominent team in the league: “Team Never Let That Shit Anywhere Near My Mouth.” If you don’t like semen, you don’t want it in your mouth for even a second. No. You don’t spit and you don’t swallow. Instead, you begrudgingly give your boyfriend a blow job, like, once or twice a month, and you use it solely as foreplay, or you end it with the awkward 15 second handy. It’s as simple as that.

So, I challenge you, ladies, to stop asking “Spit or swallow?” because that’s an archaic question of the past. You, my non-swallowers, are not alone. In fact, I’d venture to say you’re everywhere. Stop hiding in the shadows. Stop being ashamed. Stop letting people tell you you’re a “quitter.” You’re not a quitter. You’re just playing a different game–one that doesn’t require you to do anything you don’t want to do…unless maybe it’s his birthday, and only if you’re in a good mood.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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