Ladies, if one thing has become clear to Stefon in these last few weeks, it’s that the world is finally realizing what I’ve been saying for years: having a big, fat booty is one of the sexiest things a person can possess, and those who have such a gift are the most #blessed betches in the world. Just like Sir Mix-a-Lot, I’ve been so sick and tired of ladies with a big, thick ol’ booty being shunned by society, but it seems like people are coming around to our way of thinking. I’ve got a booty and I’m damn proud of it. I mean, don’t you know I’m all about that bass, ’bout that bass, no treble? I’m not skinny and I never will be, and I love my damn curves. Well, as much “curves” as a man can have, but I digress.
Having a booty isn’t easy. Jeans and other non-yoga pants don’t always fit the way you think they will, despite how often you hit the gym, and while you’re at the gym, you dare not do squats, for fear of making the thing any bigger. #Seltering. Most underwear eventually becomes a thong, and thongs are just exercises in futility. You’ve lost a g-string or two in your day, never to be seen again. Asshole guys have attempted all sorts of depraved things, from unwelcome spanking to bouncing loose change off of your donk to (shudder) motorboating. Let’s not even go there. Ugh. Moving on. You’ve knocked over more than one wine glass with the sheer force of your ass, dresses ride up dirtier than Chamillionaire, and when was the last time you had sexual intercourse any other way than from behind? You can’t remember, can you? And while you’re trying to tilt and turn so you get some booty into pictures, your more buxom besties are always front and center, like they don’t even have to try at all.
But do NOT let it get you down, at all, ever. I’d rather be Miss New Booty than Chesty LaRue OR Busty St. Claire any damn day of the week, and so should you. Breasts come and go, they sag and they droop, and you can always augment a pair of knockers with a low-cut shirt, a pushup bra, or corrective surgery, but there is NO duplicating a perfect ass. It’s as if a perfect ass is molded from clay by the gods themselves, ready to drop it, drop it low, drop it low, girl. Guys wanna see you drop it, drop it, drop it, wanna pop it, pop it, pop it, shake that ass on the floor. Having a big ass is like always having a friend always watching your back and making sure you’re happy and taken care of. It attracts “ass men” like magnets, converts boys into men, and makes chairs that much more comfortable to sit in.
I mean, the song isn’t called “Boobylicious,” is it? Nope. Because breasts are fickle and will leave you behind. They don’t care what happens to the rest of you. No, no, it’s “BOOTYLICIOUS,” and I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly. There’s a reason why “Baby Got Back” hit so damn hard. I’d quote “Anaconda,” too, but for the life of me, I do not know what the FUCK that Nicki Minaj woman is talking about, and that video scares the piss out of me.
So here’s to the big, fat butts that rule the world, and the ladies who rock them. You always make shorts and bathing suits look amazing. You always turn heads wherever you go…literally. A nice rack may get a first glance, but guys will always, ALWAYS do a double-take turnaround when it comes to a fantastic ass. You can twerk and twerk and twerk to your heart’s delight and not even break a sweat, which can simultaneously be used to attract fly honeys AND mix paint efficiently.
Be proud of what you have, ladies who rock the big booty, because you have been given a gift by the divine herself. How do I know that Beyoncé is God and she invented the big ass in her divine image? YOU try listening to “Partition” and not want to drop it to the floor. Or “Single Ladies.” Or “Run the World,” “Upgrade U,” “Diva”…you get the idea.
Be courageous in the face of ass adversity and know that you have one of the greatest assets a person can have. Be compassionate to those who have the accursed pancake ass, while always thanking your lucky stars you have the badonk-iest of donks. And always remember your sacred oath:
“Booty booty booty booty rockin’ everywhere, booty booty booty booty rockin’ everywhere, booty booty booty booty rockin’ everywhere, rockin’ everywhere, rockin’ everywhere.”
Amen. Or ass men. Whichever comes first.