Dear People Who Use Their Children As Their Profile Picture,
You confuse me. Seriously. I open my Facebook for an afternoon (or morning, evening, mid-class, while eating, at the gym, while peeing, while pretending to listen to my friend talk about whatever it is she’s talking about) stalking sesh, and you make me do a double take. I don’t mean that in a good way. Don’t be flattered. I’m just scrolling along, minding my own business, judging girls, and stalking the clusterfuck of people who I stalk on the reg, and all of a sudden–BAM! A baby.
I get confused, because I think about the list of babies I know who have a Facebook and I come up blank. Then I’m like, “Okay, well one of my friends who also happens to be an infant must have just gotten a Facebook. Cool.” Oh, wait. No. That can’t be right, because I am a GROWN ASS WOMAN who doesn’t have baby friends. I don’t even like babies. Some girls fawn over them, and like, that’s great I guess, but I don’t even know how to hold–let alone play–with an infant. Do they fetch? When someone asks me if I want to hold her 10 pound shitting machine, I respond with a polite, “No, I do not want to hold the result of your drunken night in Cancun, thanks. But I will hold your bottle of wine.”
I’m not saying I don’t get it. If I pushed an actual person out of my vagina I would be pretty impressed with myself too. I’d want people to compliment the shit out of my baby–except not really because LOL at cleaning up a miniature person’s shit. I can’t even make my boyfriend eggs without reminding him at least seven times that I made him eggs. So, making something out of your own eggs (that isn’t just a cholesterol-filled breakfast) is brag worthy, I’ll give you that. But do you really need to make your pruney vagina bullet your profile picture? I don’t make my scrambled eggs my profile picture, and I bet it took me longer to make them than it took your on-again off-again boyfriend to put that baby in you.
The thing is, you make your 18-year obligation your profile picture and put a caption that says, “My princess is the best thing that ever happened to me and it’s okay if everyone is confused, because according to my profile picture I am no longer an adult. I pulled a Benjamin Button and am, in fact, a child,” and I question my life. Should I have a baby? Does every woman’s vagina rip to her asshole when she pushes out a screaming pile of organs? How could this be the best thing that ever happened to you when there are “Law and Order: SVU” marathons on EVERY TUESDAY?
So, to all the babies who happen to be profile pictures: stop mooching off of your parents. Go get your own Facebook and stop being little attention whores–that’s a job for freshmen at happy hour. And if I ever happen to make my future mistake my profile picture when I accidentally get pregnant, please unfriend me and go back to watching “SVU.” Also, send me ointment for my torn vagina. Thanks.
Your Babyphobic Friend Who Actually Unfriended You