I don’t condone ghosting. I think it’s juvenile and spineless, if we’re being honest. Real men would have a strong pair of hang-downs and tell it like it is. Hell, even in Sex and the City, Berger left a fucking PostIt note — at least it was something #ImSorryICantDontHateMe.
But ghosting happens. It happens to me. And it one hundo p happens to you. Maybe you know why. Good for you. You’re very perceptive. This isn’t for you. This is for all of you who don’t, and complain about it, and wonder out loud why you never got texted back, and wander the Earth moping about why a guy didn’t text you back when your efforts and energy would be much better spent just looking for a better dude. And I guarantee you he’s out there. But…BUT, I know you’re still thinking in the back of your mind why the fuck you got ghosted. I have the answer. I do.
Also, I need to stress this: this isn’t “his bad behavior is your fault” rhetoric. And the reason is, because this isn’t your fault. Ghosting is HIS fault. But the reasons why he doesn’t want to keep seeing you is you. There’s no such thing as “it’s not you it’s me.” It’s you, babe.
I’ve had women ask me “why, why don’t you want to go out with me again.” And I give them some fakakta song and dance. Usually it’s something like “I don’t think our personalities mesh.” Which, sometimes, is true. But when it isn’t true? I say it anyway. Because nobody wants to actually tell you the truth. At the end of the day, also in the words of Berger (man, I need to chill it on the late-night Sex and the City binges), he’s just not that into you. But why?
The Problem: You Don’t Look How He Thought You’d Look
Dudes are shallow. I mean, so are women, but dudes especially. It’s 2017, so there’s a strong chance we met you on Bumble, on Hinge, on Tinder, and if you’re a bougie prick like me, The League. We probably did our due diligence and tried to find you on Facebook and/or Instagram, just to cross reference for recent pictures, because our default setting is to think you’re being duplicitous with how you present yourself on dating apps.
Stop it. If you’re using a picture from when you were in the prime of your college soccer career but have failed to show us that you gained some pizza in the face, some wine in the tummy, and some Netflix in the hips, when you show up for the date, the VERY FIRST IMPRESSION he’ll have of you is one of negativity, because he feels like he’s been lied to even before you’ve embraced for the hello hug.
Also, even if he doesn’t think you’re as attractive as he thought, it doesn’t mean there won’t be date numero dos. He might keep you around long enough to smash cellulite, then eighty-six the hell outta there without so much as a text. Nobody said having sex with him would keep him around, or prevent ghosting.
The Solution: Use Pictures That Show Us What You Will Look Like On Date Number One
“But Maxxx,” you might say, “I get so many matches now and my self-esteem is through the roof and if I show them that I forgot the address to Equinox I won’t get as many matches.” Yeah, that’s true. I bet your matches will go down. But don’t you want to match with someone who’s actually interested in your current form, rather than what you used to look like?
So, show us what you look like now. And not just face, but like, we need to see your body, because (most) men are shallow assholes and that’s just the way it is. But don’t forget, you’re shallow too. What if my pictures made it seem like I was 5’11” and I showed up at 5’6”? Yeah, it’s the SAME EXACT SHIT. Okay, so maybe you won’t match with the 6’4” Adonis that, shirtless, looked like he was carved by Michael-fucking-angelo. Get over it. There’s a reason that at the end of the day, tens end up with tens and fours end up with fours.
The Problem: You Were Not Entertaining
Okay, so you passed step one, which is the physical part. Great job, those squats are paying off. 11/10 electrical fire. Pure heat. Mount Saint Helens fire flames kinda hot. Now you’ve sat down to drinks. And this is where, honestly, it’s out of your hands. You have to be yourself on a date, and sometimes your personality won’t mesh. That’s fine. But if it’s one date, and the convo sucks donkey dick, you might get ghosted. Do you really need him to text you and say “hey, had fun, but don’t think we’re right for each other.” I mean yeah, it’d be nice, but you honestly can’t expect it.
Sometimes a guy doesn’t want to say to your face that he didn’t think you were funny, or thought you were obnoxious, or whatever, so he’ll ghost. Guys suck. Get over it.
The Solution: Find A Different Guy
Nobody is asking you to be someone you’re not. You don’t want to be with someone if they just don’t like who you are, or if they don’t get your sense of humor, or if they just don’t enjoy the conversation, or if they’re a looney tune who disparages you for brunching too hard. Don’t fret about this kind of stuff. You should have had a sense yourself that the personalities weren’t gelling. Just move on and find a guy that likes talking about athleisure as much as you do.
The Problem: Sex
Maybe there wasn’t any. Maybe there was. Either way, he could ghost because of the sex life. If you’re holding out, stringing him along, if you’re being a tease, he might just skip town. It probably means he was just trying to get it in and move on, so maybe it’s okay he ghosted. Maybe you gave it up too soon, that’s all he wanted, and now he’s on to some other chica. Hey, it happens. Again, not a great guy in the first place.
But maybe, and I know this can be a touchy subject, but maybe you just didn’t do it for him in the smoosh room. And rather than give you instructions, he felt it easier to just disappear.
Maybe you give a bad blow job and he doesn’t want to coach you up. Do you grab the shaft so hard like you’re some kind of fucking snake wrangler? Do you not go down far enough, thinking we can get off if you attack the head like it’s a tootsie pop? Even if you think you’re “good,” there’s never anything wrong with a refresher course.
As for sex? I don’t know, don’t be a dead fish I guess. There’s nothing I can really say in terms of why a guy would ghost you after you two hooked up other than the fact that it just didn’t do it for him. His world has been rocked better. And bee tee dubs, I’m not saying you have to sleep with anyone, I’m just saying if you do and you get ghosted, well, it probably didn’t blow his mind.
But this can go both ways. Like, what if a guy was awful at eating pussy? Or if he was too small, or too big, or if he was one of those uncircumcised freaks! Similar thing. If it’s not all one hunnid emoji in the bedroom, a guy might ghost.
The Solution: Have Sex Or Don’t, Just Be Good At It
I don’t know what to tell you on this one. Be a freak? If you rock his world in the bedroom, he won’t ghost. That’s just #factsonly.
It’s bananas in pajamas to me why people can’t ever figure out why they got ghosted. You’re smart people. If you think about it, if you re-watch the game film, you can get to the bottom of why you didn’t get a text back. Sometimes we can improve our game for the next one. Sometimes it’s out of our hands. The point is, don’t get hung up on it. Move on and shoot your shot. And if you really can’t live with the guy ghosting you, just call him out.
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