Why Every Girl Should Drink Beer

Girls Should Drink Beer

Sure, I am the queen of vodka crans and I can finish a bottle of Barefoot Moscato faster than you can say, “Oh God, please don’t do that,” but I would be the world’s biggest liar if I didn’t admit I love beer. You can sneer and scoff, but nothing beats the taste of an ice cold beer on a beautiful warm spring or summer day. The thought of this makes me want to do bad things to my liver. I don’t understand when girls say they don’t like beer. Do they think it’s unattractive to drink beer? Or that it’s too manly for girls to drink? Who knows.

I applaud the girls who aren’t afraid to bong, shotgun, and chug beer. Every girl needs to realize how awesome beer is, and when asked if they want one, they should give a truthful and unapologetic, “Hell. Yeah.” Maybe you need a little coaxing to get into beer drinking, but beer lovers (and secret admirers!) know why beer is awesome:

  1. You can drink a ton of beer and not be hungover the next day.
  2. You can order a beer in the middle of the day and not sound like an alcoholic.
  3. You don’t have to go bankrupt to get drunk.
  4. It’s more refreshing than a shot.
  5. You also probably won’t gag when doing a shot of beer.
  6. Two words: Power. Hour.
  7. Guys actually think it’s sexy when girls drink beer.
  8. They also get turned on when a girl says yes to shotgunning a beer with them.
  9. Nothing can top the feeling of when you beat said boy in a shotgunning race.
  10. Beer reduces heart disease.
  11. Beer also lowers cholesterol.
  12. It reduces the chances of getting cancer, osteoporosis, and kidney disease.
  13. You’re actually hydrating yourself when you drink beer.
  14. The dictionary’s definition of “great fucking time” is keg stands.
  15. When the girls run out of alcohol, you can always borrow a beer from one of the guys.
  16. You can actually go to the gym to work off beer calories instead of lying in bed wishing you were dead.
  17. Beer lends itself to so many more drinking games.
  18. Nothing’s more American than beer.
  19. Busy bartenders will love you forever because you’re not ordering a complicated drink.
  20. You’re less likely to drunk eat because the carbonation will fill you up.
  21. Did I mention guys think it’s sexy when girls drink beer?
  22. Anyone can slap the bag for 20 seconds, but can you do a keg stand for that long?
  23. It’s easier to flirt with your beer pong partner if you’re good and you help drink the beer.
  24. Keg dives are a perfect way to show off the athleticism you’ve kept under wraps since high school.
  25. You identify with Toby Keith’s “I Like Girls Who Drink Beer” more than the majority of girls in your chapter.
  26. You know the way to a man’s heart is asking, “Will you hold my legs for my keg stand?”
  27. Drinking beer makes you seem like a “chill girl,” and therefore, you can hide your crazy for a little while longer.
  28. No matter the time or setting, beer is always appropriate.
  29. Sticking a Corona in my margarita is the best thing that happened to me since my professors stopped taking attendance in class.
  30. Billy Currington had it right: “God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.”
  31. The best way to fight a hangover? Crack open a cold one.
  32. No one said “only boys drink beer.”
  33. And even if someone did, who gives a fuck? Not you.

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Hakuna Moscato

Hakuna Moscato (@HakunaMoscato) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. and Post Grad Problems. A born and raised Maryland girl, she's obsessed with the Baltimore Ravens, Old Bay, and anything that has the Maryland flag pattern on it. She's a newly retired student-athlete and sorority girl, but not quite ready to call herself an adult, especially since she still has to be carried out of bars. With a Long Island in hand, she's ready for whatever life is throwing her way. Maybe.

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