I once made a pro/con list to examine whether it would be the shit or really shitty to be an Instagram model. I ultimately landed on my biggest pro (that it would severely increase one’s chances of hooking up with G-Eazy) versus my biggest con (that my mother would weep over a wasted college degree). I decided that it would be the shit, obviously. Don’t judge me, I’m a human woman.
I can make fun of the notion, but I’m sure “modeling” for the gram is actually a ton of work. Being a girl is expensive, and an Instagram model has to do it to the max every day. I look like a dead fish Monday-Thursday, so I’ll give her credit where credit is due. But one thing that always perplexes me is how she constantly has so many pictures taken. I mean really, who is up this girl’s butt 24 hours a day, watching her lounge sans pants and making sure she has the perfect picture to add to her perfect account? Her bio says she’s a super introverted Scorpio—so why is she always surrounded by people dying to take her picture? As a serial overthinker, I’d like to explore some options.
Last Night’s Slam
I guess it’s possible that she’s actually wearing that Fashion Nova getup for more than just a photo op (that she will so humbly hashtag #ad, as if we didn’t fucking know she’s getting paid to wear the ugly cousin of the clear Yeezy boot). Is it possible that she’s going out and picking up a different man every night, only to rope him into staying an extra fifteen minutes for an impromptu photo shoot the next morning? If so, she’s a goddamn genius. In the words of Donna Meagle, “Use him. Abuse him. Lose him.”
A Delivery Guy of Some Sort
It’s a stretch, I know. But a girl’s gotta eat, and she’s got the income to support a lifetime’s worth of delivery. What if she’s offering them a 50% tip or a peek at the goods if they snap a few (hundred) photos of her lounging with her cat and totally not candid-ing the shit out of life? I can confidently say that if I got paid to do nothing but Instagram pictures of myself, the only human interaction I would want on a regular basis is someone bringing food up to my apartment for me to put into my face.
A Roommate Who Hates Everything
Look, we all have to occasionally suck up our pride and humbly ask a friend to take no fewer than twenty pictures of our outfit, or makeup, or formal date. But that’s small scale. If she’s knocking on her highly unfortunate roomie’s door every time she needs a picture telling everyone what kind of tea to drink in order to look like Kate Moss circa 2003, she’s going to have to find herself a one-bedroom very soon. No one should have to put up with that, unless they’re paying less than their share of rent or have unlimited closet access.
An Unfulfilled Assistant
I really hope that there isn’t a legitimate job position dedicated to following around and photographing a girl whose livelihood involves pretending to use a teeth whitening kit. Sadly, I think this is the most logical option. When the going got tough and everyone became tired of waiting for her to perfect the skinny arm, she had to hop on over to Craigslist and find some college graduate with 452 Instagram followers and a Nikon. I just hope the position pays well..