What Your Selfie Says About You

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We all have those people on our friends list: the ones who insist on posting picture after picture of things you just don’t care about. Sure, if it’s a hot girl at the gym, you might stop to inspect for a second or two. Eight times out of 10, though, the selfies that flood your news feed are ones you wish you hadn’t seen. As much as we all treasure “Selfie Sunday,” there’s a large number of people who believe that every day is Selfie Sunday. And this is not okay.

The Gym Selfie
Gym selfies are how someone’s level of douche-baggery is measured. The guys who post these pictures are likely to have one or more tribal tattoos, drive a Honda Civic, and say “bro” an unhealthy amount of times in each sentence. Catching a douchebag in the act of taking a gym selfie is a rare occurrence, but if you do happen to witness this phenomenon, proceed with caution so as to not enrage him–he’s probably “yoked up, brah.” Girls who take gym selfies, on the other hand, suck a lot of dick and are often seen running around campus in sports bras and spandex shorts. This also includes any and all CrossFit people.
Perps: frat boys, yogis, and any non-religious individuals with cross tattoos

The “I Just Woke Up” Selfie
Girls, I don’t care what your caption says, because if your hair looks anywhere near acceptable and your makeup resembles Kim Kardashian’s, you clearly didn’t “just wake up.” Trust me, you’re not fooling ANYONE. Yes, when guys post pictures with bed head and a sleepy expression, it can be cute, because every girl knows there’s nothing sexier than a man’s voice in the morning.
Perps: hotties, girls who are extremely photogenic, and attention whores

The Bathroom Mirror Selfie
Yes, I’m aware that your bathroom might be the only place in your house with a mirror big enough to quench your selfie thirst, but do your dignity a favor and just don’t. DON’T. If you were trying to give guys an image to spank it to, you could have at least had the decency to crop out the dirty toilet in the background before you posted it all over my newsfeed. No one wants to see the year-old mold on your fishy shower curtain, either.
Perps: see “Gym Selfie perps”

The “Facey” Selfie
These people have never posted a picture of anything other than their face. They also untag any image of them where their body is visible every single time. If you’re on my friends list, then I’ve seen you in person. I know you’re rocking multiple chins. Embrace them.
Perps: fatties

The “Annoying Couple” Selfie
We know you’re a couple. You post how much you love each other every day and how “Chad’s the best BF like evaaaa!” We get it. There’s absolutely no need to post ridiculous kissy-face pictures every fucking second. You think when your daily selfies get liked a whopping ONE time (by a relative) it’s because everyone else is, like, soooo jealous. When I like a couple selfie, it’s because you’re reminding me how happy I am that I’m single. #sorrynotsorry
Perps: Taylor Swift, “16 and Pregnant”-type girls

The Drunk Selfie
You’re on the toilet, drunk texting your crush for sex on a Saturday night. Is it the right time to take a selfie for Facebook? The answer, folks, is NO. What will your future employers think when they check your history and see you sloppily swinging on a stripper pole, or passed out on the floor in a frat house? Please, pretend your drunken nights are like “Fight Club”–the first and second rules are not to talk about them. Keep those vomit-filled images on your own phone.
Perps: anyone and everyone in college

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Architectural engineering major. Tall and awkward. Fitness enthusiast. Tennis player. Promo model and bartender. Free spirit. I was a wolf in my past life.

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