God bless America and the 21st Century’s advancements with utter laziness. Where would we be in life if we didn’t have the ability to effectively communicate without having to see the person we are conversing with? Where would we be if we actually had to communicate with one another by using the English language? In a world with conveniences like Snapchat and Instagram, our generation never even has to explain what we are doing. Just send a picture of you with your besties or a box of Franzia, and the message is conveyed. “I’m out having fun and you’re at home and watching Lifetime.”
Apple took our lack of conversation skills and exacerbated them a few years ago with the emoji app for the iPhone. They gave a self-righteous generation even more to work with by creating an app that gives you the ability to say, “Oh, you don’t have an iPhone? You wouldn’t get it.” While there is a somewhat secret language that has spawned from emojis’ existence, it’s sometimes not that hard to figure out what you are trying to convey in your day-to-day shambly activities.
If you’re using any of these emojis, chances you are about to, currently are, or have just finished being a drunken fiasco. Words are beyond you at this point and you need to communicate that large quantities of booze are about to be consumed. They are simple, to the point, and always make me kind of thirsty. When using these, you’re telling your friends that a shit storm of alcohol is cultivating and it’s going to be a great time.
The girlie emojis are some of a girl’s favorites. Using these is reserved for girl-to-girl interaction and, under no circumstances, can be used with the opposite sex (with the exception of the Princess emoji saved for dads and boyfriends). If you have been using these, girlie events are near and always pair nicely with the Wine Glass emoji.
Anger emojis are used when you’re upset, annoyed, or just outraged. Nothing expresses how terrible it is to look at an overly passionate couple on Facebook quite like the gun to the head emoji combo. If you’ve been using these recently, your life is difficult and you are so furious that you can no longer create words to describe your rage.
In your late teens and early twenties, there is one event that will inevitably happen in everyone’s lives: shacking. Some of the best conversations come post-coitus. With the use of modern technology, reliving your shame and regret has become even easier. Whether it’s the “See No Evil” Eyes-Covered Monkey, because you hooked up with a real uggo or the Clapping Hands for successfully coming home with both of your shoes, emojis are a great aid in your next-day embarrassment. These emojis help in mocking, applauding, or even retelling the tale of seeing your best friend’s tongue at the bar during a sloppy BOMO.
Pink Shirt Girl says so many things that our delicate female hands cannot type. These emojis are used primarily for reactions to conversation topics when you are having a hard time putting your thoughts into words. Whether its a sassy “I can do no wrong” or a confident “Stay away from the dude with the cargo shorts,” Pink Shirt Girl can speak on behalf of the majority of the female population in saying “This couple making out on top of me is making me extremely awkward so I’m going to put my hands above my head until they leave.”
If you’re using any of these emojis, you’re quite resourceful, as you’ve created something out of nothing and the something is drugs. You’re a busy girl and have lots to do. You cannot be bogged down with typing out a long paragraph on how you need some addy or a little reefer to make it through the day. These emojis are extremely useful, because they’re much cuter than explicitly typing out a drug deal via text message. That’s just not what ladies do.
I don’t know who is in charge of the emojis over at Apple, but I want to shake the hand of the person who said “You know what would be useful? An eggplant. And not because it looks like a penis or anything.” While there are many forms of the dick emoji, they are not hard to spot and it’s quite evident what you are talking about. They can be very useful when trying to describe an upcoming shack or a questionable event that took place in a social situation. These emojis are so much more than mere vegetables.