Just like a whiff of a stranger’s cologne that triggers the memory of your piece of shit ex, certain songs can trigger a million feelings at once. Specifically, the feeling of wanting to get incredibly drunk. Right now. It doesn’t matter if you’re walking to class on Tuesday morning, driving to church on Sunday afternoon or binge studying at the library Thursday night. These songs can take you back to your wildest moments intertwined with brief flashbacks of fighting with the current pledge operating the music: “Wait, can I change it? I have a good song, I swear!” Nothing puts you in a better mood than hearing the theme song of your drunk alter-ego, and when it comes on, everyone better be damn prepared for you to grab them and scream it at the top of your lungs. Just be ready for the embarrassing Snapchat videos you’ll be bombarded with come morning. Here’s the breakdown on your favorites.
“Timber” By Ke$ha
If people refer to you as “that girl,” then this is your jam. Vodka Redbulls, elevated surfaces, and passing out in random fraternities are among some of your favorite things. You’ve never been known to say no to a shot, no matter how shitty or unflavored it may be. Your best nights are the ones where you manage to wake up in your own bed the morning after with your bag still strapped to you and your phone still in hand. You’ve probably sent about 27 indecipherable texts to every boy you’ve made eye contact with…whoops. Count your losses later. At least you made it home with all your valuables (actually, double check for your credit card). You’re the girl in your house always going on “adventures” in the middle of the night after a few too many, and at some point, you probably caused a mass panic before a sober sister finally managed to tackle you into a bush across the street. Whenever this song comes on, you toss your phone to the nearest innocent boy and demand him to take the cutest, most candid photos of you belting out the lyrics on top of a table with your besties. He’ll take a few, then go into rapid fire mode when you eat absolute shit 10 seconds in. Just your weekly reminder that slick, alcohol-covered areas are not your friend, girl.
“Wagon Wheel” By Old Crow Medicine Show
To you, this song isn’t just a closing time ritual. It’s a way of life. Most girls are able to stumble through the lyrics and nod along, but not you. This song makes you want to grab an American flag, a Labrador puppy, and the nearest bottle of whiskey. Your sisters know that whenever you say you’re not going out, this song is the quickest way to change your mind. It’s a classic, and so are you. You were possibly voted “Most Likely To Be President” in high school and within your sorority. Your friends envy you for your ability to hold a position on exec, maintain a 3.5 GPA, and somehow still get blacked out at least three nights a week. You wouldn’t even consider letting a GDI talk you into going home with him, but you’ll allow the guy who sits in front of you in lecture to motorboat you because you share the same political views and he’s the president of his fraternity. Even if you’re not a legacy, everyone assumes you are for the amount of die-hard dedication you hold for your sorority, and Greek life in general. All of your Instagrams include your letters in the hashtags, no matter how obviously drunk you are in the photo. Standards can try to fine you later, but you know you’ll most likely talk your way out of it.
“Pony” By Ginuwine
If you’ve ever had your sense of humor (or dancing skills) compared to Tina Fey, then this is the song for you. You always choose the funny costume over the sexy one, and you’ve never met a date party theme you didn’t like. You’re never too sloppy of a drunk, but you’re always too loud. There might be videos of you participating in a dance contest you don’t remember being in. You won it when you tried to do the worm. You’re the girl who always wakes up with a new collection of bruises, but no recollection of how you got them. All your sisters have blackmail photos from your drunken extravaganzas that include grinding on a 5 foot 4 redheaded boy who you later found out was still in high school. There’s a good chance you were dancing to this song, swinging an imaginary lasso around your head. You’ve never made a bad decision that a long nap couldn’t fix, and most of your relationships have failed when guys started complaining about you never taking anything seriously. You’re never afraid to be the center of attention at a party, even if that means doing something outrageous. You laugh at the girls who stand in corners on their phones during a party, and you have driven the opposite sex away multiple times after trying to demonstrate your celebrity impressions. But no worries, there was never an embarrassing moment you couldn’t forget about by adding that extra shot in your drink.
“23” By Miley Cyrus
Cosmopolitan would most likely describe you as the “fun, fearless female” of your friend group. You’re the girl always rallying the troops to go get wasted even if it is -4 degrees out and snowing. You planned the spring break trip for your entire house, and you only have a few tops left that don’t have alcohol stains on them. You’re the first one to start dancing at the pregame and usually the one people have to talk down from the stripper pole at the bar. You refuse to miss out on a good time, especially if your favorite fraternity is involved. Fraternities always use you as a rush tool, because you know exactly what to say about how much you loooovvvve their house. You’re notorious for losing “Never Have I Ever” and for jumping in the back of everyone’s pictures. When this song comes on, you find the nearest guy and steal his drink as a way to entice him to come dance with you. Somehow this works as your signature flirting move and no one has any idea why. Well, that, and pretending to dance on a guy from behind. You’ve probably lied about how many times you’ve smoked weed and have skipped class at 1 p.m. multiple times when you realized you still needed to sleep off your hangover. If you do puke, it’s only to rally, and no one ever knows you did.
“Livin’ On A Prayer” By Bon Jovi
Guys adore you for your ability to consistently sink the last cup during beer pong, and girls glare at you from across the table when you take pulls of vodka without gagging or needing a chaser. You’re dangerously close to being a bro, but you keep the boys on their toes just enough to be desirable rather than their buddy. You can shotgun faster, chug longer, and wear the hell out of a skin-tight dress and heels when boys need a formal date who won’t pass out before 11. You likely sing this song with your arms thrown around a group of your guy friends, both of your hands holding drinks. Getting called into Standards is the norm for you, but you can’t say you’ve ever regretted explaining why doing a two-story beer bong isn’t exactly “sisterly” if it means you get to tell the story again. You were adored during your new member period for being the freshman who was always drunk, but never too sloshed. You thoroughly believe that there is a science behind getting to the level of intoxication where your shoes don’t hurt to wear anymore, but you can still walk home in them, no matter what hour of the night–or day. It’s not a problem, considering you’re the queen of drunken makeouts and being cool about it afterwards.
Whatever your drunken anthem may be, let it bring you many more cherishable memories. Or lack thereof.