Forever 21: The reason this store is called Forever 21 is because these clothes would last forever if forever was 21 days. But you don’t give a shit. You are balling on a budget and you still want to have fun. You buy cheap clothes, drink cheap vodka, eat cheap food, but still look like a million bucks.
H&M: You probably have a geometric tattoo or straight across bangs. You totally look like you have your shit together and everyone is jealous. Your blazer and cropped slacks are the secret to your success, but no one needs to know that.
American Eagle: You are the classic Girl Next Door. And by classic, I mean basic. Their jeans are decidedly the best on the planet, but if you are delving into the regular priced $70 flannels and cardigans, I can’t trust your judgment.
PacSun: Most likely to attend Coachella for the Instagram pictures, you vaguely know three of the headliners and decide that’s enough to go. You are a follower, not a leader. You started shopping here during your “skater girl” phase in high school and just followed the trend to today’s modern hippy look.
Urban Outfitters: Urban is your one-stop shop for suede things that should not be suede, tiny tops, and highly offensive t-shirts. You are the hipster in group of friends, an aggressive vegan, and everyone knows not to ask you your opinion on pretty much anything because you will never shut up about it. They can smell your passion and your weed.
Thrift Stores: Hey, those thick-rimmed glasses go perfectly with your ’90s jeans and vintage t-shirt. You make your own style and dance to the beat of your own drum. A drum you found at the thrift store for $3. What a steal. You have to have some serious patience and creativity to scour clothes that even your grandma would be embarrassed to wear.
Victoria’s Secret: You have thousands of followers and hundreds of frenemies. You’re kind of a bitch, but with a body like yours who needs to be nice? From your sweatshirt, to your leggings, to your bra, to your underwear, everything has PINK written all over it. You have wings hanging in your closet just waiting for the day for Victoria to asks you to be in her fashion show.
J Crew: You are a MILF in training. Your future children already have names like “Harper” or “Sailor.” You have matching family photos planned out in your head and your Christmas cards will look like they are taken straight out of a magazine. You rock a vest like there is no tomorrow and you wore booties to class before they were popular. Your Pinterest boards include your bridal shower, wedding, baby shower, baby pictures, and inspirational quotes.
Lilly Pulitzer: Okay, we get it. You are in a sorority. Your pastel explosion is assaulting my eyes. I’m all for self-expression, but maybe you want to go for some solid colors once in awhile. Just a thought.
Nordstrom: You have one hand in your pocket and the other one is swiping your Daddy’s credit card. You always dress to impress and the sales associates always know to come up and talk to you while ignoring those other bitches in yoga pants and a spirit jersey. Everyone knows they’re just looking, and commission is tough to live off of. You can buy your jeans, a plain white t-shirt, dress for formal, and a new pair of heels all for just under the price of your private college’s tuition..