Birth control is amazing. It’s allows women to take charge of their sex lives (and their periods) and enjoy sex without worrying about jeopardizing their future with a baby. If you’re responsible enough to have sex, you should be responsible enough to get on birth control. There are a ton of options out there, some hormonal and some non-hormonal, and they all have their advantages and disadvantages. While women are in no way defined by the type of birth control they use, each form speaks to who you are a person.
Old faithful. It’s the form of birth control that nearly everyone starts out with. Taking the pill every day means you’re a dependable person. You like routine. You’ve probably been on the same pill since you were 17 and your mom took you to the gynecologist for the first time. You’re not too adventurous and you don’t like change. You’re the type of girl who says her favorite food is pizza or chicken strips. You’re a #basic birth control bitch and you know what? There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s the most common form of birth control for a reason: it works. It’s easy. You take it at the same time every day and as long as you’re diligent about it, it’s close to 99 percent effective. Your friends all went off the deep end of the birth control spectrum with their Nuva Rings and IUDs, but you’re just perfectly fine with popping a pill every day. I’m not saying you’re boring, but you are predictable.
The Nuva Ring
All the girls who aren’t responsible enough to take a pill every day are on the Nuva Ring. It means you’re brave, because you literally have to fish around inside your vagina every month to get it. Some girls are like “ew, gross,” but you just don’t give a fuck. That DGAF attitude translates to your love life, too. Girls on the Nuva Ring are probably in a relationship, but they’re also a little selfish because the Nuva Ring is something he can (sometimes) feel and you can’t. Your boyfriend will just have to get over it if he wants to keep banging you without knocking you up.
If you’re just hooking up, you don’t care if a guy is all, “What is that? Do you have a piercing on your cervix?” (Boys are so incredibly stupid sometimes.) You just tell him what it is like it’s no big deal. You’re not self-conscious about it (or anything, really) at all. You’re a cool girl and you know it.
You’re open about your frequent trips to pound town if you’re on the patch because it’s literally stuck on your arm like a scarlet letter. You’re a no-bullshit kind of person. Pills were too much of a responsibility and you didn’t want to have to fish around in your vagina for a stupid ring. You just went with easiest, pain-free option. You just slap on a patch every four weeks and you’re protected. You’re the kind of girl who doesn’t like to wear makeup because it’s too much work. You don’t care what anyone thinks of you, you just want to have sex without jumping through a million hoops.
The Depo-Provera Shot
You’re pretty brave for willingly getting a needle injected into your body every three months, something many grown adults still fear. At the same time, you’re also a little crazy. You’re the kind of girl who will track her ex-boyfriend down at a bar and throw a drink on the new girl he’s with. All the extra hormones in the shot make you extremely emotional. One second you’re pissed at your boyfriend because he got you chicken strips when he’s supposed to know that you like cheeseburgers and the next you’re crying about how it must mean that he doesn’t love you. You’re all over the place emotionally, but all guys secretly love crazy girls so whatever, it works for you.
Girls on the IUD do not fuck around. They’re not going to take any chances when it comes to birth control. Maybe you’ve seen your sister or your friends get pregnant young and decided that was not going to be something that happened to you. Or maybe you just really hate babies. You took your reproductive organs by the (figurative) balls and basically said, “Fuck you, I get to decide when I’m ready to have babies.” You aren’t afraid to speak your mind about anything, which can sometimes earn you the reputation of being a bitch. You’re also a little lazy, because as easy as the pill is, you don’t want to have to remember to take a pill every day, and you knew that unless you use your birth control perfectly, it’s way less than 99 percent effective. That’s not going to fly with you.
You knew there was a better option out there, an option very few women take because they’re scared. Not you. You walked right into that gynecologist’s office and let your doctor shove a small metal rod into your cervix. Did it hurt? Yeah. But then you walked out of the office feeling all “I am woman, hear me roar” because you just went through a decent amount of pain all so you can have sex all you want without worrying about getting pregnant. You never have to take a pill again! You’re a bad ass woman who don’t need no pills or rings or shots. You’re good for the next three to ten years.
You’re also kind of annoying because you think the IUD is so amazing that you try and convince all your friends to get it, too.
If you just use condoms, you’re probably pretty new to the whole sex thing and too scared to go to the health center to get birth control. Condoms are great protection against STDs, but they’re a pretty sucky form of birth control. Condoms break, and trust me, you don’t want to be taking Plan B all the time. Grow some balls (again, figuratively), make an appointment with your college health center and get on the pill like the rest of us all did when we first started having sex.
Pull And Pray
You like to live life on the edge, but you’re also kind of stupid. Looking forward to secretly making fun of your baby on Facebook!
LOL, JK. .
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