Does anyone still religiously use Pinterest? I remember a year or so ago I couldn’t get enough. I was pinning at work, finding a bunch of crafts involving antlers that I thought would make me look quirky and fun. I was pinning on my commute, giggling to myself while listening to Taylor Swift and scrolling through various someEcards that had snarky comments about wine consumption. I was into Pinterest, and by “into” I mean heavily addicted.
But like Myspace, hashtagging everything on Instagram, and Kim Kardashian Hollywood, Pinterest was just another passing internet phase for me. Every now and then when I need a new header for Twitter or a sassy photo for Instagram I’ll log back in to 40+ notifications from the three friends of mine who are still super into it. I’ll look over my boards nostalgically, still slightly jealous of the picture perfect life I pinned for myself.
The last time I logged in though (yes it was to find instructions for glitter balloons, don’t judge me) I noticed something. We all, and I do mean all, have the same exact boards. Sure they’re worded slightly different, but the truth is, we’re all basic AF on Pinterest. They go something like this:
The Outfit Board
Probably Titled: “Outfit Envy,” “Swag,” “Passion for Fashion,” or the classic, “Dream Closet.”
What It’s Captioned: Something about how she wishes she could illegally download clothes, a Coco Chanel quote, or nothing because she didn’t even know you could caption boards.
Contents Include: A lot of pictures of girls from disgustingly perfect fashion blogs. You know the ones. They’re the blogs that include a food and some article of clothing in each title. You know, like “Sweet Tarts and Sweetheart Necklines” or “Burritos and Bustiers.” It’s filled with fashion bloggers posing while perched on the edge of a fountain, iced coffee in hand, looking away from the camera in amazing outfits from places she has never once stepped foot in or shopped. Like TopShop, Modcloth, Kitson, Wildfox, you know the brands.
Subtext: “This is how I would dress if I A) Had money, B) Didn’t have a job that required you to be “business casual”, and C) If I actually gave a shit long enough to take my hair out of this messy bun and get out of these Victoria’s Secret PINK sweats from 2009. Did I shower today? *smells hair* Meh, it’s probably fine.”
The Fitness Board
Probably Titled: “Sweat Like A Pig To Look Like A Fox,” “Workin’ On Ma Fitness,” “Fitspiration,” or basically anything that makes you roll your eyes.
What It’s Captioned: “Green Juice Now, Champagne Later,” or a Jillian Michaels quote. Even though she’s never seen an episode of The Biggest Loser and couldn’t pick Jillian Michaels out of a crowd.
Contents Include: Various “Flat Ab February”-esque posts where you increase your crunch number for 30 days, a ton of green smoothie recipes, at least one squat challenge pin, and too many “Burn 1000 calories in 100 moves!” to list. There are various random pictures of hot pink Nike Cross Trainers, posts that lead to questionable diet supplements if you click past Pinterest, and at least one post about getting an “Angel Bod” that should just be rewritten to say: “You are not 5’11” or Brazilian so you’re SOL, hon.”
Subtext: “My metabolism hasn’t slowed down yet and I have my skinny arm pose down to a science. I’m good!”
The Holiday Board
Probably Titled: “Jingle All The Way,” “Festivus,” “Because it can’t always be Christmas,” or “Happy Holidays!”
What It’s Captioned: Probably with an Elf quote, let’s be honest. Or with something from Nightmare Before Christmas if she’s your “edgy” friend.
Contents Include: Garlands made entirely of Christmas ornaments that will never happen, homemade costumes she could never actually execute because they aren’t just “costumes” they are “cosplay” (Google it), and a wreath for every day of every month. The board very clearly shifts with the seasons – watch the colors, they’ll go green/red (Christmas), to glitter/blue (New Years) pink/red (Valentines), to pastels (Easter/Spring) to hot pinks/oranges/white (Summer) to red/blue (4th of July) to orange/black (Halloween) – if you scroll through and absolutely include at least one decor idea that involves spray painted pinecones.
Subtext: “I celebrate all holidays the exact same way: by getting absolutely wasted and drunk-eating frozen pizza in bed while watching Netflix. But maybe this year will be different. (It won’t be different.)”
The Food Board
Probably Titled: “Yum”, “In the Kitchen…”, “Always Hangry”, or “Foodie.”
What It’s Captioned: A quote that she clearly Googled or “No kitchen is complete without wine.” Even though she still buys her wine by picking out the cutest label. (Don’t worry girl, I do too.)
Contents Include: Tons of recipes involving vegetables, grains, and spices she cannot pronounce. The only time she’s ever even attempted to execute “Savory Roasted Acorn Squash and Feta” was when she was invited to a Potluck Bridal Shower and she wanted to make a good impression on the bride’s aunt because she heard the first cousin was single. There’s at least one pin of those IMPOSSIBLE pinata cookies, at least 3 on the “Many Unknown Uses for Cauliflower” (she totally effed up a pan trying to make cauliflower crust pizza – thanks PINTEREST), and at least 8 different versions of Buffalo Chicken Dip. And the dip is the only recipe she’s mastered.
Subtext: “Maybe if I keep pinning all of these recipes I’ll actually be inspired to stop using my oven for storage and wasting hundreds of dollars each month at Chipotle. Actually a burrito bowl sounds really good right about now…”
The Wedding Board
Probably Titled: “Someday My Prince Will Come.” If it isn’t that or an acknowledgement of the level of basic one must be to have a wedding board I sincerely hope she’s actually engaged or this just looks really desperate.
What It’s Captioned: “Now I just need to pin Mr. Right” *barf*
Contents Include: Several barns decked out in way too many mason jars and twinkle lights, those fingerprint rings, at least one recreation of the Bridesmaids poster with an IRL wedding party, one photo of a bride with a Starbucks cup labeled “Bride,” and everything Etsy and beyond. These boards are every actual wedding planners nightmare because they never have a cohesive theme. It’s just one giant hodge podge of white dresses and 4 a.m. moments of, “Oh that’s cute”.
Subtext: “I’m going to die alone.” .