What You Get: Junk Food
While it’s hard for me to hate on any mother who is loving enough to send her precious daughter an abundance of chips, candy, and baked goods, let’s get real. If she sends you all that food, you’re going to eat all that food. Which is fine, except chances are that you’re going to want to save the majority of your weekly caloric intake for your Friday and Saturday nights.
What You Want: Top Shelf Liquor
Brownies will only keep you busy until it’s time to be drunk. Years of chugging Congress has taken its toll on your liver, and you’d really rather be seduced by a bottle of Grey Goose. It’s okay you have to settle for store brand groceries to afford Ketel One on your own, because you’re most likely going to get too drunk to remember how much it cost you anyway.
What You Get: A New Blanket
Nothing says “home” like a warm, fuzzy blanket that your mom sent to you hoping you would wrap yourself in it while reading your Chemistry textbook. Your parents obviously want you to be comfortable while you spend your nights cramming your brain with information that you’ll never use in the job you won’t have when you graduate.
What You Want: Condoms
The only text you read in your new blanket was your copy of “Fifty Shades Of Grey”, and now you’re ready to hit the frats and let your freak flag fly.
What You Get: A Bottle Of Advil
Mom and dad were sweet enough to consider that every once and a while, you’re going to hit the town and drink a few beverages with your ladies. Hey, at least they’re not completely oblivious.
What You Want: A Really, Really Big bottle Of Advil
We’re talking 240 capsules of 200mg Advil Liqui-gels, because your mom and dad didn’t consider you drink so much that your hangovers are starting to take more recovery time than minor surgery. Upon factoring your pounding headache into Sunday’s workload, you realize you’re going to need more than a few pills and a swig of water. You need the maximum legal dosage and a keg of Gatorade.
What You Get: A Sappy Nicholas Sparks DVD
Clearly, your mom wants you to settle into a relationship. Granted, watching Ryan Gosling swoon Rachel McAdams was not her worst attempt at guilting you into a boyfriend search. Ironically, her desperate attempt at securing your future and providing her with future potential grandchildren has only turned you into an independent crazy with questionable morals and a hefty load of resentment.
What You Want: The Complete DVD Box Set Of “Sex And The City”
What you mom doesn’t know is that the only thing you’re currently committed to are your commitment issues. You’d rather gather some sisters to drink wine and watch SJP have sex with half of New York than partake in a relationship. I mean, your current boyfriend is a lot like Smith Jarrod: he’s hot, he’s sensitive, he’s rich, and he doesn’t exist.
What You Get: A Sweater
Mom passed that sensible and comfortable looking sweater in the mall and thought, “Gee, wouldn’t that look nice on my daughter?” And you love her for it because she’s a total gem. Not to mention, the only way your broke ass can afford new clothes is by using your dad’s credit card and hoping he doesn’t check his statement as closely as he pretends to.
What You W ant: Lingerie
You already have enough loungewear. You want some new lingerie–preferably something nice enough to make you forget that you’re shacking in a shitty frat bunk with blackout shades and a previous slam’s initials carved into the wood. Even a Victoria’s Secret gift card would suffice at this point.