We Greeks have dug our way into most industries, so I’m frankly surprised we don’t have our own TV network. I mean, we have a wide array of talent to provide, and we pretty much dominate everything we do, so the ratings would obviously be amazing. Plus, we’d all look fabulous on TV. But, unlike most things in life, you can’t just get your own television network because you asked your dad for it, so we’ll have to do a little pitch to the TV gods and hope they’ll pick this up. Some of the best shows on television would include:
Good Morning Greek Row
What better way to start your day than with a talk show hosted by your favorite news anchors who discuss anything but actual news? There’s a Kathie Lee and Hoda in every chapter, so rotating them weekly gives everyone a chance in the spotlight. These anchors would talk about the weather for your walk to class, easy drink recipes, and gossip reported about other chapters, all while chugging wine. And, of course, it would be filmed on a top-tier fraternity’s balcony.
Everyone loves raising money for charity, so paying a fraternity for pledge services is an excellent way to fund the tailgating budget. Press #1 for a sober ride downtown, press #3 for a 24-hour delivery service. Fraternities can select their favorite or least favorite pledge to be on call, and it’s free for valued customers, of course.
A crowd favorite, this show is dedicated to helping the bitchiest of all the standards chairs find love in a hopeless place. Instead of a rose, she grants the losing man’s fraternity a few weeks of probation from social events. The winning man gets a bar tab for his chapter and seven minutes in heaven in the bar bathroom with the lucky gal. I would tune in every week to make fun of it, just like I do with the real show.
Sports Or Something?
Basically, this is like ESPN or any other sports show ever made, but it cuts out the riff-raff that no one cares about, like soccer during non-World Cup times. I wouldn’t ever watch it, but something needs to be on in the background at male houses 24/7.
Once a year, girls everywhere gather around their tube to watch the top contestants compete for the prestigious title. Rounds include formal wear, formal date selection, spring break bikini competition, and the interview round, in which contestants are asked whimsical questions that literally an infant could answer. I propose we add a little spice to the show and force every girl to do a series of drinking challenges before each round — bong a beer, then answer a question on world peace? A recipe for success.
Greek Life Live
This is my personal favorite, and it includes a “Weekend Update” featuring campus-wide news. Every chapter has its token funny gal, so she could really shine here. Maybe instead of Drunk Uncle, we have Drunk Alum instead? Just brainstorming here, but the possibilities are endless.
Real Row: No Rule Challenge
Remember the good old days of gauntlets and sudden death eliminations? Let’s bring it back and take the drama to a whole new level. To add a little twist, maybe the show forces rival sororities to battle it out in an impossibly hard physical challenge in the middle of the bad part of campus. A slimy GDI-type individual who has no dog in the fight would host it.
Inside Edition: The X-Rated Fraternity Experience
This would show up as blurry white noise in most sorority living rooms because it’s banned basically everywhere. However, in the dirty basement of a fraternity house, you can get it in crystal-clear HD. This show features a black-and-white self-filmed tour of the depths of the shadiest shit that happens at all hours of the night. A Blair Witch Project-esque shot that reveals a pledge crying in the corner is a nice touch, too.
This is just a constant montage of live-feed footage from the bars around campus, so you always know where to go or where to avoid. This would actually be a good thing to have on your phone if it didn’t sound so stalker-ish. It’s certainly a useful channel when wine and sweatpants sound way better than going out, but you still suffer from chronic FOMO.
These shows would really add an element of jaw-dropping debauchery that you can usually only find during mother-daughter fights on Teen Mom. I suggest we hire Leo to bring the illegal substances — then the channel could stream on all campuses by early next month..