Wine. Vino. God’s gift to the people of the world. Whatever you call it, loving wine is one of the top requirements of the basic bitch, and I’m a proud proponent of the devil’s grape juice. With this near universal love of wine there comes the critical question that pits sister against sister and rips friend groups apart: what’s your favorite wine? I prefer a red as dark and bitter as my heart, but I’m down for a sweet white every now and then. Whatever you pick, your choice of wine says a lot about you.
Cabernet or Merlot
You classy bitch, you. You’re the mom of your squad. The rock. The general. People know they can turn to you for anything from a ride to class to making sure the whole crew stays together during your weekend bar crawls. You’re probably the sophomore that everyone thinks is a senior, simply because you and your three planners keep everyone on track. Props to you.
Sweet Red Blend
Similar to the mom, just not so damn scary. People know they can come to you for advice without you raising an eyebrow and muttering a “bless your heart” before going on a twenty minute lecture on how “making out with both Sam and Preston in the same night is so not cool.” You’re the girl that spends a healthy amount of time in the library, but there may or may not be pictures of you participating in a boob luge at that Sig Ep social. It’s fine. Everything is fine.
Oh, honey. If there may be pictures of Sweet Red doing a boob luge, there are definitely pictures of you doing that boob luge. Let’s be honest – there’s a whole album. You love to have a good time and everyone knows it. You show up to the party, guns blazing, knocking back shots like it’s your job, and you’re loud enough that you always leave people with a little bit of a headache. Yes. You’re “that girl,” but you wear it proud.
You’re the one everyone likes. You possess the magical power of being able to go from conversation to conversation with ease. Everyone knows who you are — even people who haven’t met you. All the babies want you to be their big. All the boys want to take you on formal. You’re sweet enough without coming off as too much, and there’s just something about you that people can’t get enough of. The only people who hate you are the ones who want to be you. Own it.
Pinot Grigio and Pinot Noir
Ah the twins. The Yin and Yang of wine. You and your bestie couldn’t be more different, but you two are attached at the hip. Literally. You went as a pair of pants last Halloween and killed it. Anyone who knows you knows that if you’re around, your twinnie can’t be far away, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. Besides, if you can’t find a boy for a date night, you know exactly who will have your back and roll up to the event in matching outfits.
Let us not be divided by our wine preference. Let us come together and live harmoniously through the vines that bind us. .