What It’s Like To Get Ready For a First Date, According To “Orange Is The New Black”

First dates, for me anyway, are a major source of anxiety. Even if I’m not entirely sure I like the guy, I spend the majority of the day leading up to the date obsessing — obsessing about my outfit, obsessing about what could go wrong, obsessing about the food I am inevitably going to drop in my cleavage. In fact, I get SO nuts about it, I should probably be locked up. So who better to tell the story of what it’s like to get ready for a first date than the ladies of “Orange Is The New Black”?

You have a first date tonight that you are really excited about.

You’re super nervous, because you haven’t exactly had the best dating experiences lately.

Honestly, your dating life is just pretty sad.

And it’s been awhile since you’ve even been on a date.

You even got a haircut…

…which you were really excited about until your mom commented on it.

Your friend texts you with some mundane problem of her own. Doesn’t she know you’re stressed out enough?!

You start to worry about all of things that could go wrong. You hope your date doesn’t want to talk about anything too serious…

…because your tastes run a little bit more toward the lighthearted.

Or what if you do something really stupid with your food at dinner?

Or spill it on yourself?

And you definitely won’t be ordering dessert.

Another friend texts you that she heard his ex isn’t too happy that you guys are going out.

But you know you are way cuter than her, anyway.

So she obviously just needs to accept that he’s moving on.

And she better not say anything to you about it when you see her in class today. You have no tolerance.

It’s finally time to get dressed. You pull out your favorite little black dress…only to discover that it doesn’t fit around your boobs anymore.

Like, way too much cleavage for a first date.

You frantically ask your group text for advice on what to wear instead.

Their consensus is that you need to calm the hell down.

No really, it’s all going to be fine.

You finally settle upon an outfit you feel good in and you’re ready to go.

At least if it doesn’t go well, you have other things to look forward to.

Before he arrives, you say a little prayer.

And give yourself a little pep-talk. Just be yourself.

And do a little pre-date dance party to get excited.

Doorbell rings…time to go! You’re gonna crush this, girlfriend!

But even if he’s not the one, that’s okay. You know you’ll find someone out there who deserves you.


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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, and documenting her love of all things cheese related. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at

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