What I Imagine Being A Frat Guy Is Like

Frat guy

I often think about what my life would be like if I was a guy. This usually happens when I’m bleeding out of my body once a month, or when yet another orgasm slips away after my partner is rolling around in ecstasy. As I’m sitting there in my female body, I can’t help but think about how good guys have it. And considering most of my college days were spent around frat guys, and my career is based around them, I often wonder what it would like to trade. To be a guy in a fraternity. I don’t know for sure, but it seems like a damn good time. And though I’ll never know for sure, this is what I think it would be like to throw on some letters and a dick, and become a frat guy.

  • 9:45 AM: *beep beep beep* What the fuck?! *snooze*
  • 9:50 AM: *beep beep beep* FUUUUCK. Guess I’m not going to that 10 a.m. class.
  • 9:51 AM: Text the first pledge I can find in my phone.
  • 9:52 AM: “Hey fuckface. I think I threw up my fucking intestines last night. Get me notes from class, or else.”
  • 9:53 AM: Who’s in my bed? She’s blonde. So it could be one of three girls.
  • 9:53 AM: Shiiiit. I hope it’s not my ex.
  • 9:54 AM: Maybe if I just…position my boner on her back she’ll wake up?
  • 9:55 AM: Okay. She’s turning around. Quick quick. I need a name.
  • 9:56 AM: Amber? Amy? Ashley? Fuck.
  • 9:57 AM: “Hey…babe.”
  • 9:59 AM: So…morning beej?
  • 10:00 AM: Damn. Shot down. Maybe trying to push her head down was a bit aggressive.
  • 10:01 AM: But nahhh. I’m not going down on you either.
  • 10:05 AM: Alright make up an excuse. Class! I’ll say I have class. Which I do, theoretically.
  • 10:15 AM: “Bye babe. Yeah, yeah I’ll text you.”
  • 10:20 AM: I love weed.
  • 10:25 AM: Shit I shouldn’t have sent Ally(?) home until she made me breakfast.
  • 10:28 AM: Looks like someone got pizza last night. Mine now.
  • 10:35 AM: Call of Duty! Madden! Video games!
  • 11:23 AM: Scratch balls.
  • 11:24 AM: Wait. I have a penis?
  • 11:30 AM: Alright let’s see. Kate Upton? Nah. Too fat (side note: I know. CRAZY).
  • 11:31 AM: Maybe I screenshot some nudes last night?
  • 11:32 AM: Damn. Dry. Porn it is.
  • 11:35 AM: Lotion? Check. Tissues? Check. Dignity? Ha.
  • 11:38 AM: Ahhhh. Alright. Feelin’ good. Should I go to my noon class?
  • 11:40 AM: No.
  • 11:41 AM: “Hey fuckface. I can’t go to my noon class either. I need those notes.”
  • 11:45 AM: More weed? Don’t mind if I do.
  • 12:05 PM: I wonder what everyone else is doing. I should see if they’re up.
  • 12:07 PM: Hmmm no one down in the living room. Guess I should sit on the couch and stare into space until I find someone to entertain me.
  • 12:11 PM: Oh shiiiiit. Girl commin’ out of Johnny’s room!
  • 12:12 PM: Damn she’s hot. I wonder if she’s doing a frat lap or…
  • 12:20 PM: Finally that pussy she was banging is up. Time to say demeaning comments about her and make fun of him, even though I’m jealous and wish I would have had sexual intercourse with her.
  • 12:25 PM: Snapchat from my ex? Let me guess, she’s singing in the car with her annoying friend who I totally hooked up with.
  • 12:26 PM: *watches two girls mouthing the words to “Hello” in the car while sporting some impressive cleavage.*
  • 12:27 PM: I wonder what her best friend is up to these days?
  • 12:30 PM: Time to play with my dick again while thinking about having a threesome with both of them.
  • 12:42 PM: Oh look, a text from my ex.
  • 12:43 PM: “Thanks for Snapping back asshole ;)”
  • 12:44 PM: I don’t know what to say.
  • 12:46 PM: …
  • 12:47 PM: Eh whatever. I don’t care. I’m going to just not answer even though my read receipts are on. I’m sure she won’t read into this and obsess about why I didn’t answer.
  • 12:50 PM: Play video games until pledge-fuck returns with my cheesy fiesta potatoes.
  • 1:07 PM: Tell the pledge that he’s a Taco Bell Bitch as a “thanks” for going out of his way and buying me food.
  • 1:15 PM: Alright. Time to get my act together. I need to hit the gym before slammin hoes tonight.
  • 1:25 PM: Let me just text my best friend…
  • 1:26 PM: “Hey douchebag. Meet me at the gym in 10.”
  • 1:41 PM: Alright I’m feeling good. Have a shirt cut so it shows my nipples, and I plan to work out only my glamour muscles while simultaneously checking out all the bitches (respectable females who are trying to live a healthy lifestyle) that walk by.
  • 1:52 PM: “I’d  bang her, and her, and her, I’ve banged her, would only bang her if I was shit-faced, wish I could bang her…”
  • 2:35 PM: Enough of this shit. Fuck the gym.
  • 3:02 PM: Jerk off in the shower? Why the hell not.
  • 3:03 PM: Try to stop me from thinking about that hot-ass girl at the gym who is most likely a really nice individual and has dreams and aspirations for herself.
  • 3:17 PM: So. Time to drink?
  • 4:07 PM: Text from Alex (ohhh that’s her name): “Had fun last night ;). What are you up to tonight?”
  • 4:08 PM: Eh. I’ll answer later. Maybe. Most likely I’ll just forget she existed until we inevitably run into each other and act awkward but then fuck again. Whatever.
  • 4:45 PM: Shots?!!!!
  • 5:03 PM: Text from ex’s best friend: “The Pub tonight. Be there bitch.”
  • 5:04 PM: Maybe I will get to have a threesome with them (Lol).
  • 5:07 PM: Should I play with my dick some more?
  • 5:10 PM: Nah. I need to drink more.
  • 5:13 PM: Beer.
  • 5:26 PM: Another beer.
  • 5:34 PM: More beer.
  • 5:45 PM: Pledge! Get me a fucking beer.
  • 6:02 PM: To Favor or not to Favor, that is the question.
  • 6:06 PM: Maybe some sorority girl made us shit.
  • 6:12 PM: Nice! Brownies! Thanks “Liz.” I respect your baking, but unless you get some implants, you ain’t getting Sweetheart (even though you’re a cool girl and have blown at least half of the chapter).
  • 6:27 PM: Time for bourbon.
  • 6:38 PM: Annnnnd here come the girlfriends.
  • 6:42 PM: “Yeah yeah. Nice to see you too girl whose name I can’t remember but I definitely turned down at one point or another.”
  • 6:52 PM: “And YOU! Girl who I definitely fingered but is now dating my pledge brother! How’s it goin?”
  • 7:12 PM: More shots. Need more shots.
  • 7:37 PM: And now, the girls who think they’re the girlfriends.
  • 7:49 PM: “Hi Alex! Wasn’t expecting to see you here. Sorry I didn’t text back. It’s been a crazy day.”
    Translation: “I didn’t invite you. Why are you here? Are you stalking me? You’re in love with me, aren’t you. Fuuuuck. I was planning on just never texting you back but hey, nice tits?” 
  • 7:52 PM: Time to shotgun. Nothing says I’m a sexy, eligible man quite like shotgunning a beer.
  • 8:15 PM: Guess it’s time to get ready.
  • 8:26 PM: Change of shirt? Check. Deodorant? Check. Different pants? Check. Cool good to go.
  • 8:32 PM: Steal a pledge’s beer to assert dominance.
  • 8:49 PM: Time to eat someone’s leftovers while pretending I didn’t know they belonged to someone else.
  • 9:02 PM: And right on time, the groupies.
  • 9:18 PM: Alcohol. Flirting. Sexual awkwardness.
  • 9:27 PM: Text ex: “goin to pub.”
  • 9:28 PM: Text ex’s best friend: “goin to pub.”
  • 9:29 PM: Text every girl in phone: “goin to pub.”
  • 9:32 PM: Snapchat my beer and put it on my story: “goin to pub.”
  • 9:48 PM: Time to force a pledge to drive me and the three hottest girls I can find.
  • 10:12 PM: A line? I don’t wait in fucking lines.
  • 10:14 PM: Start yelling about the line and causing a commotion.
  • 10:15 PM: But continue waiting in line because what else are you going to do?
  • 10:32 PM: Fireball. Fireball Fireball.
  • 10:42 PM: Disgustingly excessive drinking.
  • 10:53 PM: Continued excessive drinking.
  • 10:57 PM: Hi girl I’ve hooked up with.
  • 11:02 PM: Sure, I’ll buy you a drink. But only if you introduce me to your friend, who I’ll totally hit on and cause tension in your relationship.
  • 11:17 PM: “Oh. Hi Alex. Yeah. She’s just a friend.”
  • 11:28 PM: “Shots. We’re doing shottsssss.”
  • 11:48 PM: Time to find a girl to rub my penis on.
  • 11:49 PM: “Hey babe. Wanna dance?”
  • 11:51 PM: Damn. Boyfriend.
  • 11:53 PM: “Hey babe. Wanna dance?”
  • 11:56 PM: Shit. She dated my best friend.
  • 11:59 PM: “Hey babe. Wanna dance?”
  • 12:02 AM: Niiiiice. Still got it.
  • 12:04 AM: Whoa. What’s she doing with her hips?
  • 12:06 AM: I wonder if she knows I have a boner.
  • 12:07 AM: I hope she knows I have a boner.
  • 12:09 AM: Okay. I need to position her so she 100 percent knows I have a boner.
  • 12:12 AM: Yeahhhh. There it is.
  • 12:17 AM: Oh. You have a boyfriend too? Fuck.
  • 12:27 AM: Beer me.
  • 12:32 AM: Beer me.
  • 12:39 AM: Beer. Shot. Beer me.
  • 12:57 AM: Conversation with ex?
  • 1:09 AM: Secretly make out with ex’s best friend?
  • 1:11 AM: {blank}
  • 1:35 AM: {blank}
  • 1:42 AM: Get in fight with friend?
  • 1:48 AM: Text ex: “cum homw wuth mee.”
  • 1:52 AM: {blank}
  • 1:55 AM: Call ex. Call ex. Call ex. Must take girl home. Call ex.
  • 2:05 AM: Vomit all over pledge-fuck’s car.
  • 2:18 AM: Fries. FRIES.
  • 2:20 AM: Text ex: “babeeew where r toyu??”
  • 2:35 AM: {blank}
  • 3:47 AM: In bed? Naked? Girl next to me? Water?
  • 3:48 AM: Apologize for not being able to get it up.
  • 3:52 AM: Think of a lie to tell the girl tomorrow and dream of beer and threesomes and people who don’t care about commitment.

Ugh. Must be hard.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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