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What I Assume Having A Threesome Would Be Like

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To be completely honest, I have no fucking idea how a threesome works. There are more body parts to deal with than you have in traditional sex, and I have a hard enough time trying to find the arm holes in an oversized sweater to know what to do with another person being thrown into coitus. Even after all my research, I have learned pretty much nothing. Now I’m just ashamed that my Google search history includes, “where do you put your hands during a threesome,” so I’ve decided to wildly speculate. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but I think I’ve figured out the gist of the situation.

We first set the mood by turning down the lights and lighting a few candles. I spend far too much time choosing which candle scents pair well together to give the right ambiance to the room. Warm vanilla and springtime peony? Yeah right, I’m not stupid. Next, I put on an R&B playlist to really get us all feeling the vibe of the group. Obviously, nobody checks the playlist and the second song turns out to be Ginuwine’s “Pony,” because I don’t fuck around when it comes to a threesome playlist. The guy ends up standing around for a few minutes trying to maintain his wood while the other girl and I reminisce over all of our favorite “old school jams.” She has to run out to her car because she has the most hilarious burned CD labeled “SuMmEr HiTz ‘07” and she obviously has to show it to me.

Once we finally settle the music situation and the lighting is just right, we all get onto the bed and really start to feel each other out. I notice how the other girl has on an adorable lacy teddy that I must ask her about. We get to chatting and she tells me about this great sale going on and then I tell her about this really cute see-through bra and panty combination that I got a couple months back. She ends up having the same one. We laugh and laugh until we remember the guy is there with us. He looks pathetically sad and keeps asking us why we always leave him out. We begrudgingly ask him what he’d prefer to do and all he can muster is, “I dunno, all of us fooling around,” which we obviously ignore because the girl and I are having a blast.

The guy finally gets sick of us talking over him so he says he’s going to go to the bathroom to freshen up. While he’s gone, the other girl and I continue to chat and she tells me that I remind her a lot of her really good friend Nicole, so I have to meet her. She ends up shooting her a quick text and asks her to come over. She’s with her friend Kelly, so she asks if it’s cool to bring her over, and it’s not like we’d say no. That’s just so rude. When the guy gets back from the bathroom, we let him know that a few more girls are going to stop by. He gets so excited that he pops the most aggressively average boner we’ve ever seen, and we both ask him to put that away and get a little more presentable for the group. He seems a bit confused, but he goes to try to find something a little more flattering for his subpar peen. He also texts every guy in his phone since he thinks he’s now taking on four girls instead of two.

When the other girls arrive, we are so excited to see that they brought wine. We pop open a couple bottles and all lie on the bed so we can drink and gossip. Kelly ends up looking just like Andi from The Bachelor, so we start talking about the show and then come to realize that it starts soon. We turn it on and all bundle up on the bed together. The guy comes into the room and thinks he’s hit the mega-millions jackpot. As he crawls up onto the bed to make his move, we tell him to get out of the way because he’s blocking the TV and being annoying. His dick goes from full mast to hibernation in the blink of an eye, and he begins to sulk out of the room. As he’s leaving, we all call to him in our best “buuuut waaaait” voices at the last second. When he turns around, we ask him in our sexiest voices, “Could you please hand us the Chinese takeout menus? They’re on the table next to you.” A single tear streams down his cheek.

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Babe Lincoln

Babe Lincoln (@Babe__Lincoln) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and spends the majority of her time knocking back Franzia and introducing herself as "the female Johnny Manziel."

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