Boys. We can’t live with them, and…well, we could probably live without them and be totally less stressed out, but we like a challenge. Or we’re masochists, one or the other.
In my long career of “dating,” one of the biggest stressors I’ve faced when dealing with my sex counterpart is communication. I say one thing, and he thinks it means something COMPLETELY different (or visa versa, despite the fact that he’s wrong and I’m right). How hard is it for a guy to understand that when we say “hey,” it actually means “I can’t stop thinking about you. Do you like me? Do you see a future with us? Why won’t you face me during sex? Are my legs too fat? I think we’re going to have three kids.” Seriously guys, it’s easy. This isn’t the same thing as getting out of a standards meeting or calculus.
So, for the sake of the female kind, I’ve decided to decode some of our gentlemen callers’ text messages and what they actually mean. Hopefully we can begin to speak the same language, until universities start offering it in undergrad (because THAT would be tuition money well spent).
He texts: “What’s up?”
We think: He’s thinking about me. He obviously likes me if he went to all the trouble to text me. What a nice guy! I bet he misses me. A lot. I wonder what our kids will look like.
He means: I’m bored. I want to get laid.
He texts: “Heyy :)”
We think: He fucking loves me. See that smiley face? That’s basically like a save the date. Pretty sure he’s in love with me and wants to take me to brunch.
He means: I’m slightly drunk. Or high. Or just trying to butter you up to say yes to something. Most likely some P in the V.
He texts: “Hey”
We think: Shit. What did he find out? He knows about the guy I talked to at happy hour. Whatever, it didn’t mean anything. I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t mean to give him my number. If he texts, I won’t even answer. Probably. Damn it. He’s totally going to dump me, despite the fact that we aren’t even “officially” dating, but, like, basically.
He means: Hey.
He texts: “What are you doing tonight?”
We think: Oh, my God. He wants to take me on a date. What do I wear? Will he pay? He has to pay. Right? What’s the weather like? I should bring a light jacket. Shit, I was supposed to have a wine night with my friends. I’ll have to cancel. Wedges or heels?
He means: I’m just starting to think about my night. I’m going to ask multiple people what they are doing and pick the best option. Chances are, it won’t be you. If we do hang out, it will most likely be at a loud, crowded bar where I will spend half of my time hitting on other girls before drunkenly asking if you want to come back to my place.
He texts: “Wanna watch a movie?”
We think: YES. He’s inviting me to a romantic night at his house! We’ll watch “The Notebook” and cuddle in bed with some light footsie playing. He actually might make me dinner, too. With candlelight. And roses. Then he’ll kiss me on the forehead and make love to me. Missionary. Then he’ll tell me he loves me.
He means: There is no movie. There is no dinner. There might be missionary, but it (and he) sure as hell won’t last long.
He texts: “I’ll let you know”
We think: Cool. He’s totally going to answer me soon. He seemed like he wanted to [insert horrible sounding idea here] with me. I’ll just tell my friends I’m busy and wait for his text. I might as well do my makeup while I wait. And hair. And pick out an outfit.
He means: I will not be letting you know. Whatever you suggested sounds like a horrible idea and in no way am I going to do that–I just don’t want to seem like a complete asshole and ruin my chances of boning you again.
He texts: “K”
We think: WHY DOES HE HATE ME NOW? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? WTF. I’m so done. This is bullshit. He’s an asshole. Now what? I have to double text him? Eff that. Am I not funny? Is he not interested anymore? Did he meet someone else? I bet he’s cheating on me. I hate him.
He means: I’m driving or in the middle of something. I want you to know I received the message you sent me and am agreeing.
He’s typing a text for a veeeeeeeeeeerry long time: “…”
We think: He must be crafting the perfect response. I wonder if he’s trying to think of a way to ask me out. Or tell me he loves me. Maybe it’s in poem form? Or a haiku? He seems like the poetic type. Oh, my God, we could sit in the park and have a picnic, and he could read to me from his poetry journal! I bet there are tons about me. How cute is he?
He means: I was in the middle of typing something when I got distracted by my friends, a video game, or my dick and literally forgot you exist. I won’t realize I was texting you for a few hours, and by then, I’ll either send you a one word answer or just delete it all together.
Obviously, our counterparts need to get their heads out of their asses and learn not to read into things too much. Okay, boys?