What Goes On In Your Head During A First Date


I think I’m in love with him. Yes, I know we’re only on our first date, but look at him. He’s tall, and has those pretty blue eyes, and that endearing Roman nose-to match the Roman numerals-that I hope he passes onto our son. And he drives a Jeep Wrangler, how cute is that?

Ok, yes, I know I have a habit of jumping into things too quickly, but how can I not with this guy? He wants to go into corporate finance, and I want to go into venture capitalism; we’re a power couple waiting to happen. Plus, I stalked his Instagram, and he looks delicious in a tux. I can already see us, years from now, pledging a huge donation to a children’s hospital while our three, perfectly mannered, children look at us with awe.

Sure, I might be projecting just a teensy bit. Maybe I’m assigning my dream-guy qualities onto him without getting to know him first, but he held the door for me and brought me flowers. If that’s not a sign of good things to come, I don’t know what is. Maybe he’s on his best behavior because this is a first date, but he seems like a genuinely nice guy.

Then again, there were a lot of girls on his Instagram, and not just in the pictures but commenting too. I shouldn’t let thirsty girls intimidate me, but there was that one who models for Ralph Lauren. Well sure, she might look nice in a stupid polo shirt, but would she look pretty standing next to him, in a pink sundress, while they watch polo? Ugh, that’s a stupid question. She’s hot, of course she would.

I bet he hooks up with a lot of girls. He says he’s not a womanizer, and he does seem respectful, but this could all just be for show. And now look at him, glancing at his phone, probably reading a text from the girl he’s going to hook up with later. Oh, it’s an important phone call? Sure, just waste my time buddy. I’ll just sit here! It’s not like I could be out anywhere else, with anyone else, having tons of fun.

Oh, it was the Republican Party of Massachusetts, asking if you could come on, again, as a campaign staffer, because you did such a great job last time? The governor asked for you personally?

You know, I bet our summer house in the Hamptons is going to have the most gorgeous beach views.

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But seriously, get off my boat.

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