What Every Girl Really Wants To Say To Her Gay Best Friend

An Ode To My Gay Best Friend

First, let me start off by saying thank you. Thank you for proving to me I’m not the biggest drama queen on the planet, even though I often convince myself (and anyone within a 50-mile radius) that I am. Thank you for providing me with life-changing tips on how to improve my blow job game. They have come in handy (and mouthy! ba-dum-ching) in every real relationship, kind-of relationship, and regretful one-night stand I’ve ever had. Thank you for knowing when to take that brownie right out of my hand, and for the moments of giving it back. Thank you for having just as bad of a resting bitch face as I have. Thank you for being the Will to my Grace, the Tim to my Heidi, and the Can’t to my Even.

Even though you’re more of a Lady Gaga than a Taylor Swift, I still love you. I love the fact that your caffeinated beverage orders are more complicated than mine, and the fact that we have telepathy in almost every awkward situation imaginable. I love that you understand my most subtle “Mean Girls” references in everyday life, and that you know which complements are my favorites to receive. Out of all my friends, you’re one of the few who wouldn’t hesitate to physically bitch slap me out of making a bad decision–and for that, I love you tenfold.

But beyond all this, I love the fact that you’re able to be honest, not only with me, but with yourself. I’m so fortunate to have someone in my life who is 100 percent accepting of who he is, inside and out. You’re a constant reminder to always stay true to yourself, even if you know you’ll be fought with resistance and judgment. Because of this, you’ll always be a source of inspiration for me.

I know these past few years of self-discovery might not have been easy for you, so I wanted to take the time to remind you of how much you mean to me. You’re the perfect balance of fierce loyalty, brutal honesty, and bravery. You’re not an object, you’re not a commodity, and you’re not a shiny toy I carry around with me because it makes me look “#blessed.” I don’t hang out with you because you’re the gay best friend I’ve always wanted. I hang out with you because you’re the best friend I’ve always wanted–who just so happens to be gay.

P.S.: I would totally bid the shit out of you if you were a girl. Just saying.

Image via Helga Esteb /

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Drunk but not in love

(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to

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