This standards meeting will start the same way as the rest have: by walking in late wearing last night’s makeup and your favorite pair of Ray-Bans while clutching some Starbs. The coffee contains just enough booze to make this miserable shit show of a standards meeting slightly bearable. An empty seat awaits across from the standards chair, one of the lamest sisters in the chapter. Everyone knows she gets her rocks off by snitching, and snitches get stitches…JK I can’t fight to save my life. A chapter advisor is present as a reminder that this is “serious.” LOL okay, whatevs. Let’s get this hot mess express rolling.
Standards: “Do you know why you’re here?”
You: “Wow, right out of the gate with the stupid fucking questions? This is going to be worse than I thought. *takes long sip from coffee* Let’s get one thing straight, the only reason I’m here is because some colossal twat was jealous that I was waaaaay more fun at the last mixer. Is it my fault that I enjoy tossing back shots and ripping a J with the boys, no…no it’s not. If anything you should be thanking me for putting out the vibe that we are fun as fuck.”
Standards: “Back when you were a new member you signed the code of conduct and you have acted out against the explicitly detailed rules. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”
You: “How about we call a spade a goddamn spade. I’m fun and the virgins of this chapter can’t handle it. I can turn any lameass mixer into a night that would rock Leo DiCap’s world.”
Standards: “Did you consume alcohol at a chapter sponsored dry event then provide alcohol to minors?”
You: “Fuck yeah I did. In case you missed it that mixer fucking sucked. I practically saved the entire night. One of our new girls yawned in a frat house, SHE FUCKING YAWNED. Do you get how bad that makes us look? Much like Oprah, the events I touch turn to gold, I simply give the people what they want…a party. You get a shot, you get a shot, you get a shot, and you…no you can leave because you are so boring you made that guy’s dick invert.”
Standards: “Here we’ve laid out your probationary agreement, please review it and sign the bottom.”
You: “You know I’m going to ignore all of this and keep being the bad bitch that I am, right?”
Standards: “Okay, so this meeting is officially over, please try to make better choices.”
You: “Well that solved nothing, see you next time, bitches!”
Just like that your meeting is over, yay you! Now you’re free to go back to a life of drinking and debauchery as your founders intended. .