What E-Board’s Bios Would Say If They Were Honest

Accurate Exec Bios

My chapter recently redid its website in order to gear up for recruitment. Like most chapters, we want PNMs to get to know our executive board members, but only as the picture-perfect individuals they pretend to be. While “in my spare time, I love to hang out with my sisters and volunteer down at the soup kitchen” sounds lovely on the website, the rest of us know that you volunteered one time, you were drunk, and you only went because you missed study hours the week before. The truth would look a little more like this:

President: I drink away the stress of being in charge of more than one hundred alcoholics. Because of said stress, my newfound secret talent is being able to drink an entire fifth of tequila without falling down.

Risk: You can find me frequenting bathroom stalls at most sorority functions. Why? Well, I pretend to be the head sober sister for the night, but really, I’m taking swigs of SoCo from my Greek-lettered flask. Try to send me to standards, bitches. See who gets sent home first from formal next month.

Panhel Delegate: I am pursuing a degree in fake smiles. I pretend to care about whatever is happening in your sorority, but all I really want to do is go home and watch four seasons of my latest obsession on Netflix.

Philanthropy: I am in a sorority because I want to make a difference in the world, and I will…by selling the most motherfucking overly-priced cupcakes in the world for charity. I will literally shoot you if you walk by my bake sale, because to raise money, you have to raise hell.

PR: My duty on this board is to make us look good — AKA, make girls take down photos of sisters slapping the bag or shotgunning a beer so it will appear to our house mom, Greek advisers, and God that we are good, moral humans. But to be honest, I go out every weekend, wearing next to nothing like the rest of you, and I slap that bag harder and shotgun my beer faster, because I need to keep up our reputation in more ways than one.

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