Crush Parties are the best. You get to dress up, you get to get drunk, you get to dance, and, best of all, you get to take one step closer to hopefully-maybe-fingers-crossed-might-happen-need-it-to-happen tricking a man into marrying you finding a boyfriend. The ideal situation is that your date has the smile of Ryan Gosling, the abs of Adam Levine, the hair of Henry Cavill, the arms of Chris Hemsworth, the eyes of Ian Somerhalder, and the penis of…any celebrity who is willing to impregnate you. The acceptable situation is that he is cute, friendly, rich, and relatively decent in bed. The worst, horrifically awful, can’t happen, won’t happen, did happen situation is as follows.
Per a tipster, a Sigma Chi at WFU (which we can only assume is Wake Forest University, but who the fuck calls it that?) goes down as, no questions asked, the worst formal date EVER…and the date function hasn’t even happened yet. In an effort to pick up a hot group of sorority girls and invite them to his chapter’s upcoming Crush Party, homeboy decided to get creative and asked them via an audio recording. While it arguably started with good intentions, it failed in literally every way an idea could possibly fail. This dude may be wonderful in real life, but he sounds–dare I say it–like a serial killer in his recording. No, really, this is the creepiest, scariest, rapiest thing I have ever heard in my life.
“Hey, girl. No, ‘girl’ is not the appropriate term. You’re a lady, a woman…you’re a temptress of the winter solstice, a seductress of the high moon, and best of all, you know it.”
Check it out for yourself:
In the immortal words of sorority girls across the country, “I have lost the ability to even.” #goodbye