I know that everyone’s tired of single girls ranting about how Valentine’s Day is the Devil’s holiday (no coincidence we wear red…just saying), and that annoying girls who think people want to see their relationships on Facebook are going to retaliate by making ridiculously untrue claims like that all single girls are fat, or ugly, or sluts who no one loves…but I’m gonna to do it anyway. Mostly because I’m the writer, and you’re the readers so I can say what I want to, which is that Valentine’s Day should not exist. Let the record show, that I don’t hate Valentine’s Day because I’m single or because romantic gestures make me gag (though those things are true), I hate it because it’s dumb. Hear me out and perhaps you’ll agree.
First, we should talk about expectations. Everyone knows that Valentine’s Day sucks for the girl who is single and hating it, and even the girl who is single and loving it tends to hop on the “why does no one love me” bandwagon on this momentous, stupid day. Single guys can’t score because all the single girls are forming a band of bimbos at their local bar where they spend the whole evening reminding each other how pretty they are in a “fuck guys, I just wanna dance” fashion. If you’re in a new relationship, you are stuck in that awkward…what-do-we-do-I-don’t-want-to-send-the-wrong-message limbo. So Valentine’s Day is kind of pretty much awful for everyone who isn’t in a really serious long-term relationship. Actually, then it still sucks. It’s what I would refer to as a lose-lose-lose-lose-lose situation. Guys who are in an established relationship have the awful task at hand to deal with: living up to their girlfriends’ expectations. You may think that it’s fine to just sit around in sweatpants and order take out because we told you for weeks that it was, it’s not. Women have expectations. Even if we SAY we don’t want to do anything special, we’re lying so that we seem low-maintenance. We want to be wined, dined and given expensive gifts no matter WHAT and you better believe we’ll hold this against you for months, even years. Also, if you’ve been in a relationship for that long you’re probably really boring, so go do something fun for fuck’s sake.
I think I’d like to take this opportunity to speak on behalf of my entire gender and say that we’re psychos. Maybe not always, but deep down inside, every single one of us is, and made-up holidays really have a knack for bringing out this side of us. For example, I didn’t speak to one boyfriend for months because he didn’t give me a dozen roses on Valentines’ Day. He was also studying abroad in Spain. He was also not really my boyfriend. But despite our amicable split because of distance, it seriously wouldn’t have been so hard for him to google the number of a local florist, schedule a delivery, and have the fucking flowers on my fucking doorstep by noon. I think that’s an appropriate reward for bestowing my love upon him for all those months. Why didn’t he just automatically think to do that? And then he had the audacity to tell me I didn’t get anything for him. It’s like he LIKES to fight with me or something. Don’t you dare expect anything in return. Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a day for you to prove to us how much you love us through expensive gifts. You should know we love you, because you’re a mind-reader, which is why I’m still pissed about that lack of flowers.
And don’t even get me STARTED on the drama and depression that ensues when a girl is, for lack of a better term, a slampiece. Girls tend to think that the guy is secretly in love with them and has just been waiting for February 14th to make some grand gesture, even if his only regular contact with her occurs between midnight and 10am. Honey, no. If anyone wants to play a fun game, go to your campus bars on Valentine’s Day and count the number of girls who are crying into their Long Island Iced Teas. Those girls are someone’s slampiece, someone whose bed they’ll most likely end up in later (runny mascara and all), sans any incentive involving flowers, dinner, or (vom) chocolate.
Lastly and most importantly, why the fuck is there so much chocolate? Spring break is in ONE MONTH, and I can’t think of ONE good reason why anyone who says they love someone else would get them fucking chocolate. Last year my roommates got me a lot of it, in cute heart shaped boxes, to make me feel better about the fact that I had a breakup a few weeks earlier. They were obviously trying to sabotage me and this was nothing but a mission to make me fatter, MORE single and MORE pathetic. Not only that, but I couldn’t understand why they thought it was a good idea to put anything heart-shaped even REMOTELY near me. And of course, when I had a boyfriend, I always assumed he was trying to make me fat so he had an excuse to break up with me. But I’m also kind of mentally unstable at times. It’s possible they were all just trying to be nice. But either way, seriously, enough with the chocolate.
So basically, the entire occasion of Valentine’s Day just breeds insecurity in girls and inadequate d-bag behavior in guys (real or imagined). I find that there is literally no need for Hallmark cards, heart-shaped candy, and ugly red and pink balloons to invade our lives every February just so annoying lovey-dovey couples can walk around campus holding hands and looking into each others’ eyes. I’m sure you love each other unconditionally in the same way that I love wine and my vibrating “back massager” unconditionally, but watch where you’re fucking going because I’m on my way to the bar.