Types Of Alumnae You Are Guaranteed To Meet

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Joining a sorority is similar to getting married if you think about it. You go into it expecting a number of things, and you are willing to dedicate yourself to Greek life. Initially, those things may only include partying, having girlfriends to chill with any and all the time, and having attractive guys in polos and khakis around pretty often. Of course, it grows into something more. After accepting that bid, you end up knowing a couple of things are inevitably ahead of you during your four years of college. You also know the bond you form within your sisterhood will extend beyond your undergraduate career. You know there are going to be good times, like getting paired with the most popular fraternity for homecoming. There will also be bad times: hello social probation. But no matter what, you are aware that becoming a sister means you’re joining a community much larger than just your chapter. You’ve made a lifelong commitment to a sisterhood, which means that after your college days are over, you end up transitioning into what we know as being an alumnae member. While you’re in college you may think to yourself, “I don’t think it could get any better than this.” Although I have to say those were some of the best years of my life, I also have to say I’ve encounter some alumnae that made me totally okay with graduating, because clearly the fun doesn’t end when you walk across the stage.

Make an effort to meet your alumnae sisters when they attend initiation or drop by recruitment to bring you snacks. They know you’ve probably eaten nothing but the leftover lemon wedges from “ice waters,” and at the same time, they can give you an idea of what life as an alumnae entails. Just as there are “types” and “cliques” in every sorority, there are also “types” of people certain alumnae turn into as well. If anything, they just develop and grow. Here are some types of the alumnae you might cross paths with one day.

The Golden Girl
She shows up whenever your chapter decides to host the “50 and Up” tea party at your sorority house. She’s usually more colorful than Joan Rivers on the red carpet, and she smells like she came straight from the mall where she sampled at least five different perfumes. Whenever you muster up the courage to talk to her at the event, she ends up giving you a spiel on how much more awesome being in a sorority was back in her day. She tells you about all the things she and her sisters used to get away with, and how hazing was actually a great bonding experience. You barely hear any of what she says, because the whole time you’ve been talking to her, you’ve actually been wondering whether or not she knows one of her drawn on eyebrows has completely smeared off. So adorable.

The Victory Lapper
This girl basically never left. You wouldn’t even know she was an alumna because she’s around so often. You figured she was one of your victory lap sisters, because she’s practically at lunch and dinner every day. She still wears letters around town like it’s her job, and she ends up snagging all of the recently ordered items that only current sisters have access to. Somehow she always ends up at all of your social events. Even though she’s an alumna, you let her stay because part of you knows that there is a chance you could turn into that person.

The Whip Cracker
The first thing you say when you see her is, “I didn’t do it.” She only shows up when something has happened that requires special disciplinary attention, and even though she claims she’s just dropping by, you know better. You steer clear of her while she’s in the house, because you have the tendency to look guilty even though you’re not. You really don’t want her to end up questioning you. You wonder whether or not she knows the other sisters have caught onto the fact that she’s the whip cracker, and you suspect she probably wears a lot of leather whenever she’s not in her floral dresses and pearls. She’s a stone cold bitch, but you secretly admire her ability to lay down the law.

The Donator
What will it be this time? A new TV, a bigger sofa, a new Keurig for the kitchen? This alumna always comes bearing gifts, and it’s why you love her so much. You have no clue how she makes money similar to the likes of Oprah, but you’re cool with it and don’t question it because she keeps giving to the house. She’s like Santa Claus but looks like a Stepford wife, which practically makes her your alumna idol. Who doesn’t love sharing the wealth while looking good at the same time?

The Midlife Crisis Lady
You don’t see her very often because she graduated ages ago, but when she shows up for a visit, you know she’s going to go all “black out or get out.” She might even expect you to join her. She’s one of the oldest members of that one family in the sorority who breeds mostly blonde party girls and functioning wine drunks, which totally explains why they’re called the Hilton Fam. She’s one crotch-shot away from being removed from the alumnae database, but she never gets kicked out because sisterhood is forever.

The Pimp
She has several daughters who know more about your sorority than you do, and she brings them by every chance she gets so that they can “get to know” your chapter. The daughters are typically close in age, and the oldest is about to go through recruitment. Basically, she wants you to know who her daughters are and that it would be in your “best interest” to make sure they end up in the right house–yours. She’s better at selling her daughters than a bottom tier sorority is at selling their “potential,” which is why the daughters will probably end up exactly where their pimp–I mean alumnae mother–wants them to be. Hooray for multiple-generation sisterhood!

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Wine2TheRescue is a legal marketing pro & blogger out of Washington, D.C. but is originally a sorority girl out of Northwest Florida. As a recent graduate and expert twenty-something, she spends most of her time trying to balance her work schedule with her daily required wine intake. It's a struggle she's learning to manage, but nothing she can't lean on her sisters for help with. She is also a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and Post Grad Problems.

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