Transitioning from Slampiece to Girlfriend

Disclaimer: No classy girl in her right mind should ever openly admit to being ANYONE’S slampiece.

Crossing the threshold from part-time hook up to full-time girlfriend can be one of the most ridiculously awkward and uncomfortable things you will ever do in your college career. I mean, really, who would want to give up the oh-so-glamorous lifestyle that accompanies being a single, gorgeous, super desirable, and super independent sorority girl? No one, that’s who. But for those of us who are willing to give up Thirsty Thursday’s alcohol-induced MO sesh for Saturday movie nights with our boyfriends, here are a few tips to making the transition a little bit smoother.

Make Sure You’re Both On The Same Page

This one should be obvious, but for some reason, it’s not. Unless the word “girlfriend” is actually used, never assume you’re his girlfriend (or “practically” his girlfriend). If he mentions making it official after a night of jello shots and one or five rounds of slap-the-bag, don’t take it seriously, and don’t read into it. It’s easy to think it “means” something because “drunken words are sober thoughts,” but if he doesn’t mention it soberly, the only thing it means is he wants to get in your pants. Odds are he won’t even remember it in the morning, which is going to make you look like an idiot when you request him as your boyfriend on Facebook.

Don’t Stick Around If You’re Not On The Same Page

Even though in your pretty little mind you’ve convinced yourself he will change, it is highly unlikely that he actually will. Move on. If he’s already done enough voodoo that you want to be his girlfriend, cutting things off is going to kill you on the inside. He’ll tell you he’s just too busy to make it official, but he still wants to see you, and you’ll believe him because it hurts so good. DO NOT FALL FOR IT. Just walk away, because it will turn into a vicious, never-ending cycle. He gets to go on hooking up with other girls, and you stick around because he tells you you’re special to him. Spoiler alert: he’s lying.

Get To Know Each Other

If you’re not already, try spending some time together outside his bedroom. This will be super awkward at first, but trust me, you’ll get used to it. Go out to eat dinner, go for walks, and do all the sappy things couples do. After all, that’s what you’re going for. Find out what music he’s into, what he did in high school, his major, what his net worth will be after grad school, and all that sort of stuff that you never had time to discuss at 3:00am on the way to his room after the Fratalina Wine Mixer. Get to know him now, so you’ll know what you’re actually getting yourself into.

Make It Publicly Known That You’re Official If It Happens

There will always be a trashy slut clueless girl who consistently texts him and asks to hang out, get drinks, study, etc. Even though she is absolutely not a threat, because you’re obviously smarter, classier and much prettier than she is, it’s best to let her know that she is no longer welcome. I’ve learned that making things FBO doesn’t always suffice. Sometimes, neither does the fact that you’re in his profile pictures or post on his wall several times a day, because clearly, she’s a moron. If this is the case, you’ll need to resort to more drastic measures. In no way am I saying you should send her threatening text messages by stealing her number from your boyfriend’s phone, and then deleting it, and then pretending you have no idea how it happened. Do subtle things to let her know he is yours and yours only. Show up together to parties and be obnoxiously affectionate with one another in front of her. Flash her a passive aggressive smile while holding his hand. The message will be pretty clear.

Keep The Crazy To A Minimum

Speaking from personal experience, this is the hardest. As much as you may want to obsessively stalk his Facebook for hours on end and compulsively text him all day, don’t. You’ve worked too hard for too long to throw it all away with what could be considered borderline psychotic behavior. Eventually it will come out after your first fight when a girl from your rival sorority FB chats him and you accuse him of cheating, but until then, keep calm and let things go. Try to hold back as long as you can to ensure that he believes you are as perfectly sane and harmless as they come. Guys call this deception. I call it strategizing.

That’s about it. Hopefully these tips will help you lead a long and happy relationship make things last for a while until you both realize being in a relationship completely sucks.

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