Earning the title “chill girlfriend” takes a lot of work. It’s not something you’re just handed in life, such as your good looks and parents’ credit cards. No, being the Cool Girlfriend™ takes a lot of manipulation, obsessive planning, an all around lack of chill, and impressive acting skills to hide it all. Basically, the Cool Girlfriend™ is just like the Crazy Girlfriend™ but even crazier. It’s an art form. And it’s you.
Congratulations. You’ve successfully convinced your man to believe that you’re basically a guy friend who willingly accepts his penis whenever he is down for it, but now that’s all about to be tested. Introducing his ex-girlfriend turned gal best friend. The girl you know he is attracted to because he’s been inside her, and not in a “we’re just really drunk and it happened” sort of way. This girl not only convinced him that she’s a super chill girlfriend, but also chill enough to keep around post breakup. Basically, this girl is the bane of your existence.
It doesn’t help that they have more inside jokes than she has bikini pics on her Instagram. Which is wayyy too many, by the way. It also doesn’t help that he has the audacity to like every. single. one of them. Because even though he swears up and down that they are “just friends,” at some point they weren’t. And while technically you know that he’s been inside more vaginas than just you and his mom’s, you don’t exactly want proof of it either.
This bitch? She knows what she’s doing. Truth be told she has all the power. She’s already earned “cool girl” title so everything she does is innocent and everything you do is an overreaction to his honest friendship with her. He might be completely oblivious the devious smile she wears as she starts her fifth story with “back when YOUR-MAN and I were dating….” but you’re not. Which is why the only mature thing you can do is grit your teeth and bare it. After all, his friends are here to stay, and you would never want to come between them.
El oh el. Drag that bitch out by the hair.
- Find out which country is her dream vacation.
Convince her to go study abroad for the remainder of her college career
- Sneak into her house.
Sew all of her clothes two sizes smaller.
- Borrow her favorite purse.
Return it with a stain that your boyfriend would never see the significance of, but she will never be able to forgive
- Tell her you want to set her up with your guy friend.
Set her up with your ugliest guy friend so she thinks that’s how you associate her.
- Make a bunch of dummy Instagram accounts.
Report all of her bikini pics by all of them until her page is family friendly.
- Find out exactly why they broke up.
Rewrite it to make her look like a total bitch
- If they broke up because of something like “distance,” murder her.
Your relationship is over anyway.
- Two words: backhanded compliments.
“Ugh I WISH I could wear tops like that, but it’s looks weird on me because I’m so much skinnier.”
- Catfish her.
Just to keep her busy enough where she doesn’t contact your man.
- Have her phone “accidentally” fall into a pool.
Oh, she can’t text him for two weeks? Bummer.
- Only refer to her as “your guy friend, *name here*”
After all, you’re only trying to respect that she’s “one of the guys”
- Ask her to help you with a subject she’s really good in.
Fail on purpose, claim she sabotaged you.
- Talk to her about your ah-mazing sex life with her bff.
It doesn’t matter that she used to be in your shoes. He traded up. Bitch..