1. Cher Horowitz – Clueless
- Image via 8tracks.com
The lead character in the most epic movie of the 90’s, Cher Horowitz is absolutely perfect, besides the fact that she’s a virgin who can’t drive. I’m willing to bet that soon changed once she started dating her older and wiser former stepbrother, and future litigator, Josh. (Paul Rudd is my dream man, so bonus points). As for driving, there are pledges for that, so it’s totally unnecessary, unless you plan to become a soccer mom, which Cher clearly does not. A philanthropist, the high school beauty helped to organize her school’s fundraiser, which made people actually care about it, as well as put together Tai’s life for her (a type of makeover that will come in handy some day when she has to deal with legacies). She’s slightly high maintenance, but when you’ve spent your life in a mansion, where your closet picks your clothes out for you, who wouldn’t be? Wise beyond her years, she teaches Tai a rule that sorority girls everywhere live by: there are certain things that are acceptable to occasionally do at a party, but making a habit of them will land your ass on that grassy knoll over there. The girl is assertive, and can always get what she wants by using both her brain and her beauty, fully aware that relying on only one is letting the other go to waste. She remains classy when she needs to silence her rival, Amber, which is always, and even despite minor lapses in everyone’s judgment, when their attention shifts to someone who isn’t her (*cough cough Tai*), she ends up back on top. Like she’d ever settle for second best. As if!
2. Shelley Darlingson – House Bunny
- Image via yowazzup.com
Everyone knows that girl who’s totally confused about, well…everything. She’s not the sharpest eyeliner pencil in your makeup bag, but she’s the hottest girl the Zetas have had walk through their doors in ages. Like many sorority girls, Shelley Darlingson goes through that phase where she doesn’t realize that some guys (the ones that become boyfriends), prefer brains over boobs, which as she points out, means she “shouldn’t stand on her head.” While she’s not a typical house mom (I mean, even our alumnae who were one to two years out were mega stuffy), Anna Faris’s character is a quintessential part of every bottom-tier sorority. She’s the hot girl who ended up at the bottom due to the fact that she’s an airhead, and kind of a skank, but she’s absolutely determined to help her house move up in the system, not fearing the absolutely gorgeous, classy, perfect Phi Iota Mus down the street. Shelley realizes as long as she changes everything about her sisters, sacrifices a virgin, and shows everyone that Zeta Alpha Zeta knows how to have a good time, it’s possible to change. Of course, we all know, that actually takes years, not a semester, and a badass recruitment chair, not a former playmate, but tomato, to-mah-to. Her dedication to her chapter, denial to boys of any type of past sluttiness (or spread in Playboy, whatever), and love of mansions and parties, are just your average day in the brain of a sorority girl.
3. Aubrey – Pitch Perfect
- Image via TarsTarkas.com
If you haven’t seen Pitch Perfect yet, then I’d first like to say, you probably should, and not even just because of Fat Amy. I like musicals, ok? Bite me. Anyway, Aubrey is the leader of the once-elusive singing group, one of many that are modeled after the Greek system. They have parties, rivalries, a judgey recruitment process, and a creepy initiation, which is pretty much everything, amirite? Aubrey is a total uptight bitch, and the ultimate rule-follower. She’s got a holier-than-thou attitude, a right-hand betch, and is way focused on her
sorority’s singing group’s image. Being hyper-critical toward recruits and new members, she judges the shit out of others for say, making out with a guy in the wrong fraternity singing group, while completely ignoring her own past discretions, like any good senior bitch would. She just doesn’t want the chapter group to go to shit, it’s totally understandable, and I’d venture to even say, it’s important. Besides, who doesn’t know a sorority girl with a stick up her ass? Better a stick than a dick, I always say.
4. Allie Hamilton – The Notebook
- Image via BookorBigScreen.blogspot.com
Young Allie Hamilton is a walking TSM. She’s beautiful, even with red hair, educated, and she comes from old southern money, complete with the ultra conservative parents. She has a love for life, likes to get a little wild, but always does so while dressed to the nines, decked out in pearls in curls. When she was 17 years old, she told a guy she wanted a house, and he was so obsessed with her that he spent years of his life getting scraggly as hell from depression while building her one. AND SHE DIDN’T EVEN SLEEP WITH HIM. Well, not yet, anyway. She found the perfect, gorgeous, southern gentleman, Lon Hammond Jr., Attorney, after graduating Sarah Lawrence, where it’s never been confirmed that she was in a sorority, but I mean…she was. Look at her. I will never understand why she picked her geed boyfriend, Noah, over the most perfect man ever, particularly, because I prefer James Marsden to Ryan Gosling, but that’s hardly the point. What’s important here, is she was gorgeous, southern, rich, and had two men at her beck and call, one of whom was obsessed with her when she couldn’t even remember his name. Though it’s not the exactly thing as a guy who texts you incessantly even though you blacked out and barely know who he is, I’d say it’s pretty close. It might even be better.
5. Gretchen Weiners – Mean Girls
- Image via screened.com
While every main character in Mean Girls undoubtedly went on to join a sorority, excluding Janis Ian (dyke), but including Damien, who I’m assuming developed a coke habit the summer before college, got super skinny, became mega fierce, and was an honorary member of a top tier’s pledge class after graduation, sororities couldn’t function without girls like Gretchen Wieners. Her inherent need to be a part of a group, mega rich daddy, and big hair full of secrets is what sororities are made of. She’s the girl who stalks out juicy campus/college ACB/greek rank/whatever the kids are using these days, and finds out every piece of dirt, on every single person. Nothing happens that she doesn’t find out about. No PNM slips through the cracks. (Say “crack” again. “Crack.”) More importantly, she’s accommodating. She follows stupid rules, without question, she’s willing to sacrifice her really expensive white gold hoops without making a big deal about it for recruitment, and she won’t tell anyone about your nose job or the fact that you’re secretly hooking up with someone you shouldn’t be, because that’s just like, the rules of feminism. She’s such a good friend, which is the most important thing in a sorority girl. Plus, she really is totally just as cute as Caesar.
6. Bianca Stratford – 10 Things I Hate About You
- Image via Tumblr
Another will-be sorority girl is Bianca Stratford, the little sister in Ten Things I Hate About You. She’s pretty, and popular, and “the only sophomore at the prom” besides her bitchy best frenemy. She’s totally boy crazy, and like any good sorority girl would, has one boy who absolutely adores her to do her homework, while she’s running off with the hot, rich, asshole. She’s the girl who inspired the infamous line: “Just because you’re beautiful doesn’t mean you can treat people like they don’t matter.” Agree to disagree, Cameron. If you’re beautiful, you can absolutely have boys do things for you, and if those boys are in fraternities, you can have their pledges do things for you. Bianca gets it. Except for when she doesn’t. She totally needs guidance, as she becomes with a boy who pretends to care about her, when he only wants to get in her pants, but may she whose little didn’t make the same mistake shotgun the first keystone. Unfortunately, she had a weird older sister who didn’t teach her that just because you don’t go for the original model, doesn’t mean you have to go for a loser, but I’m confident that she’ll go to college and have a big who does. Either way, she doesn’t let her
formal prom dress go to waste, and she gets herself an invitation to it anyway, and finds a way to humiliate the guy who thought he’d bested her. Hell hath no fury like a future sorority girl scorned.
7. Charlotte York Goldenblatt – Sex and The City, Sex and The City II
- Image via tvfanatic.com
Raised as a blue-blooded, Episcopalian from Connecticut, Charlotte York Goldenblatt spent her youth in the Kappa Kappa Gamma house at Smith College (which, ironically, doesn’t actually have sororities in real life). She spent her years as a young adult making a few mistakes with men, judging her slutty friend, and ultimately, looking for a rich man who would marry and impregnate her. After run-ins with many handsome, well-to-do men, including her picture perfect (but penilely imperfect) husband Trey, Charlotte finally found Mr. Wonderful, and was able to live out her lifelong dream of being pretty, baking, and raising children in couture. While her friends’ lives are in shambles, Charlotte continues to attend Sunday brunches, drinking mimosas, and explaining that she feels happy every single day, and that she and her husband have sex, excuse me, “make love” 2-3 times per week, despite having two young children. Her stressors in life revolve around her well-behaved children, the big braless tits of the nanny who helps her raise them, the fact that one time she pooped (which is a big no-no in sorority world), and that her life is too perfect. We’re willing to overlook your bowels, Charlotte, because aside from that, you’re an inspiration to us all.
8. Elle Woods – Legally Blonde
- Image via Fan Pop
This blonde bombshell is the perfect California sorority girl. She spends her years as an active judging tighty-whitey contests, dating Warner Huntington III, and becoming the president of Delta Nu, while living in her sorority’s absolutely perfect mansion. And of course, her signature color is pink. When her idiot boyfriend breaks up with her, she throws a total bitchfit and takes “looking good to make him jealous” to a whole new level. She not only looks amazing, but stalks out his life, and follows him to law school. She’s the perfect crazy bitch, because not a soul thinks she’s a crazy bitch for doing this. Instead she’s commended for using hard work, and a glittery bikini to get into the number one law school in our nation. She eventually graduates top of her class, proving that none all lawyers are “boring, and ugly, and serious.” In the end, she gets an even better guy, who doesn’t even get mad at her psychotic behavior like changing his ringtone to the wedding march and calling him in the middle of work. He doesn’t have a roman numeral at the end of his name, but that’s ok, because Luke Wilson is more famous than Matthew Davis. Elle Woods is obviously an icon, always totally persevering through when people underestimate her or judge sorority girls, but mostly, she’s a closet crazy, and I love her for tricking everyone into not seeing it. If only I’d written my unreliable narrator report on this instead of Lolita in the tenth grade.
9. Tai Frasier – Clueless/Cady Heron – Mean Girls
I group these girls together, because they’re essentially the same character, and it’s a role that is most definitely seen in every sorority house on campus. I don’t mean because they have red hair, though we did usually have about one of those per pledge class, (but the really hot kind). One time a new girl got totally pissed at me for saying we had a “redhead quota” to fill. I was joking, but more importantly, shut up, you’re a new girl, you’ll speak when spoken to. (Kidding. We don’t haze.) Both of these characters come to the scene, are welcomed into their groups with open arms, and given a complete makeover. They’re like the kind of legacy that’s worth the effort, not the phone call. The problem is, they become that freshman girl who gets her letters, her new look, and her popularity (that you worked hard for), and suddenly thinks she’s big shit. Every sorority has new girls like this, and like our ginger bitches, once they learn that they were a little too big for their britches, they will be totally apologetic and see the error in their ways. A standards hearing or two usually does the trick.
While I’m not technically a character in a movie yet, I should be. Let’s look at the facts: I’m gorgeous, hilarious, brilliant, modest, and I have an affinity for douchey boys. What more could you want? A few nights riding the hot mess express, stopping in blackout city, with an ultimate destination in the land of bad decisions? On it. Pretending it didn’t happen in the morning? More on it. The absolute total essence of Greek life, as never before captured in Hollywood films? It would be lovely, wouldn’t it? Unlike all of our other favorite characters, I was actually in a sorority (Kidding, I still am! Not four years but for life. Obviously). There has never been a movie that has accurately portrayed real sorority girls, interacting with real fraternity
men soul-suckers boys, while they’re actually in college. Whether you’re still in school and enjoy humor that you can relate to, or you’re looking for a movie that can bring you back, you know, as well as I do, that this is the vehicle that can deliver that experience to you. Our site has always thrived off of user participation, and we urge you to participate now in helping us raise money to make, quite possibly, the greatest Greek movie that has ever been.